This fortune brought to you by: The DragonFly BSD Project % ======================================================================= || || || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || || || ======================================================================= Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: "Fortune Cookie" Directed by Steven Spielberg. Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. Special Effects by Timothy Leary. Read the Warner paperback! Invoke the Unix program! Soundtrack on XTC Records. In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal centers. % PLAYGIRL, Inc. Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 Dear Sir: Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call us. Sympathetically, Amanda L. Smith p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? % _-^--^=-_ _.-^^ -~_ _-- --_ < >) | | \._ _./ ```--. . , ; .--''' | | | .-=|| | |=-. `-=#$%&%$#=-' | ; :| _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ % ( /\__________/\ ) \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ -( """""""""" ) \ _____ / ( /( )\ ) _) (_V) (V_) (_ (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) % ___====-_ _-====___ _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ -############// |\^^/| \\############- _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ -###############\\ (oo) //###############- -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- -###################\\/ () \//###################- _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' ( | |()| | )\ /|/ __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ % _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{} In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. % SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! \__\_ :. ___/ ..\ /-- :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ % % FROM THE DESK OF Dorothy Gale Auntie Em: Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog. Dorothy % FROM THE DESK OF Rapunzel Dear Prince: Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends. % SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth ABSTRACT Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable functions. This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. % UNIX Trix For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea either. If you need some help, give us a call. -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems % 1/2 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0 7 A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! % -- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % -- Gifts for Men -- Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" % DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. % Get GUMMed --- ------ The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 % Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. % It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) MATHEMATICS If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe the Universe. Give three examples. % It's grad exam time... MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) HISTORY Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. BIOLOGY Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. % Pittsburgh driver's test 10: Potholes are a) extremely dangerous. b) patriotic. c) the fault of the previous administration. d) all going to be fixed next summer. The correct answer is b. Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. % Pittsburgh driver's test 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should a) stop immediately. b) proceed slowly through the intersection. c) blow the horn. d) floor it. The correct answer is d. If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. % Pittsburgh driver's test 3: When stopped at an intersection you should a) watch the traffic light for your lane. b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. c) blow the horn. d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. The correct answer is d. You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer c is worth a half point. % Pittsburgh driver's test 4: Exhaust gas is a) beneficial. b) not harmful. c) toxic. d) a punk band. The correct answer is b. The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) % Pittsburgh driver's test 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. How often should you test it? a) once a year. b) once a month. c) once a day. d) once an hour. The correct answer is d. You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. % Pittsburgh driver's test 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. b) The driver is signaling a right turn. c) The driver is signaling a left turn. d) The driver is from out of town. The correct answer is d. Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. % Pittsburgh driver's test 8: Pedestrians are a) irrelevant. b) communists. c) a nuisance. d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them completely. % Pittsburgh driver's test 9: Roads are salted in order to a) kill grass. b) melt snow. c) help the economy. d) prevent potholes. The correct answer is c. Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and steel industries. % THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor % JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... % Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. (3) I don't know. (4) Who cares? (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). % DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon % Double Bucky (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") Double bucky, you're the one! You make my keyboard lots of fun Double bucky, an additional bit or two: (Vo-vo-de-o!) Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! Oh, I sure wish that I, Had a couple of bits more! Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use by screen editors.) % Hard Copies and Chmod And everyone thinks computers are impersonal cold diskdrives hardware monitors user-hostile software of course they're only bits and bytes and characters and strings and files just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend telling me he loves me and he'll take care of me simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory deep intimate secrets and how he doesn't trust me couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould on personal stationery -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu % `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why neither has street credibility. 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner city. 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked into a black hole. 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing up of western dualism? 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. % OUTCONERR Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes Did logzerneg the ifthen block All kludgy were the function flows And subroutines adhoc. Beware the runtime-bug my friend squrooneg, the false goto Beware the infiniteloop And shun the inprectoo. % Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be staggering illegally. 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. % The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 % The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda % The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. % 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... % What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. I found a thesis topic: How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. -- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday" % William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. % 1/3 /\(3) | 2 1/3 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) | \/ 1 The integral of z squared, dz From 1 to the cube root of 3 Times the cosine Of 3 PI over nine Is the log of the cube root of e % THE DAILY PLANET SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! Plans to "Eat it later" % *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what you should blame when you make a mistake. Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** % A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. % *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to try this simple test: 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. % *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate yourself in the morning. %  *** System shutdown message from root *** System going down in 60 seconds % ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. % 7,140 pounds on the Sun 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 255 pounds on Earth 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 43 pounds on the Moon 648 pounds on Jupiter 275 pounds on Saturn 303 pounds on Neptune 13 pounds on Pluto -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places in the solar system. % A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back and forth. "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting." % A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: "Have you seen my parakeet?" % A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I have what I think is a pretty good act." The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird imitations?" % A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw. % A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". % A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" % A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. % A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. % A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud. Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" % A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over." % A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. "What do you think?" said the first ranger. "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. % A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could only blurt out, "What happened?" "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" % A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." % A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my dog's stuck in its throat." % A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. % A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your book The Martian Chronicles?" I said, "Yes?" He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the East?" I said, "Yes?" He said "No." -- So I hit him. -- attributed to Ray Bradbury % A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. % A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!". The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" % A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" % A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." The bartender ignores him. "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." Still ignored. "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." % A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and German, can knit and can curse in Latin. Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is told, "that one is 150,000." "Why, what can it do?" he asks. "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." -- being told in Poland, 1987 % A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. % A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife! Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" % A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he was making a bolt for the door. % A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." % A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." % A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." % A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. % A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer promptly replied. "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, how long will it take?" The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." The programmer agreed to this. Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. He had been programming all night. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager retained his job. The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward." The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several resigned on the spot. So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee hours of the morning. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" "It will take one year," said the master promptly. "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it take it I assign ten programmers to it?" The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be completed," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", he said, "may I examine it?" The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human." "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this mysterious setting?" The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A MODERN FABLE Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span. The Troubled Aardvark Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. -- Tom Annau % A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" % A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" % A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. % A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally baffled. What is the reason for this?" The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the novice. "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. Why is this so?" The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an unnatural entity exist?" The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial package. The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, but not the slightest mention of anything financial. When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. % "A penny for your thoughts?" "A dollar for your death." -- The Odd Couple % A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the party. He walked out into the night. The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, too. The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by the wolf pack. At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds has killed them all. The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others went out to be killed? The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." % A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." % A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming rigidity. A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward appearances. If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the program. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they made rude noises during my presentation." The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions?" "They are alive within the Tao." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." % A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, which contained twelve more loons. "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." % A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) % A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, "This is a parson to parson call." A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite. % A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn under the kilt?" He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did really want to know. The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" % A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire going to it is so large. Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School % A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today and I've been telling it to the Maureens." Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." % "...A strange enigma is man!" "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" % A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. % A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?" After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." % A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." % A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." % A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". % ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!! % After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." -- DECWARS % After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted camp chores. The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own cattle. We shall bury him in it." Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand Feghoot!" % All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" % After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name." % All that you touch, And all you create, All that you see, And all you destroy, All that you taste, All that you do, All you feel, And all you say, And all that you love, All that you eat, And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, All you distrust, All that you slight, All you save, And everyone you fight, And all that you give, And all that is now, And all that you deal, And all that is gone, All that you buy, And all that's to come, Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is in tune, But the sun is eclipsed By the moon. There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" % America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" % An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." % An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint. As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable. The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, voluptuous woman. After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young handsome prince!" And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?" % An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger. The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?" "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 % An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" % An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" Otis replied, "Give up suffering." -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" % And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... (skip a bit brother...) Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall snuff it. -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" % "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." % "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I can at least make a decision." "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" % "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me a postcard?" % "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." "That was the curious incident." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" % Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen preaching to a group of disciples. "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating the absolute reality of --" "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he vaporized. On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued with the spirit of the morning. "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, "Thou art That..." "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, and he vaporized. Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" "US?" snapped Hakuin. Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the Governor, and he vaporized. Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" % "Are you police officers?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians." -- The Blues Brothers % "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." -- Monty Python % As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* for doing it." -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" % At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. % Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" % "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" % Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." % "But Huey, you PROMISED!" "Tell 'em I lied." % By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were still five feet between rails. It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere was possible. -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 % Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try it some other time, Carrie." She gave it up. -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" % Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." % Chapter VIII Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. % "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't care much where--" said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) % Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % COONDOG MEMORY (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog is for sale. -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly % Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the date of purchase. NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual % Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 Sept 28 Blind Academy Sept 30 World War I Veterans Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients % "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" % "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?" He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women." % Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" % "Do you think there's a God?" "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and Hobbs % Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better? % "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" % "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." "... I thought you said you were an accountant." % Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs % During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a woman who conks to stupor. Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. % During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." % Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." % Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" % Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with energy policy and neither do you." -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" % "Fantasies are free." "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" % Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. % "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" % "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know what `it' means." "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?" % Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?" Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" % Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." % Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." % "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- The Firesign Theatre % "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" % God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" % Graduating seniors, parents and friends... Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. Thank you and good luck. -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. % GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. % Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real hassle and could change your fortunes in time. Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt B*n dS = 0. Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive to stay employed. -- Technolorata, "Analog" % "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he had actually implicationed. "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." -- The Guardian % Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... % Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!" "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now." % "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes; I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington % "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long." % "Hawk, we're going to die." "Never say die... and certainly never say we." -- M*A*S*H % He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite!" % ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating. -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" % He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light without darkening me. -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas % "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." "Do it alone?" "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." "How would that help?" "Used a whip." % "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." "Four hours to bury a cat!?" "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." "Oh, it's not dead then." "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side." "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?" -- Monty Python % "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?" -- Sam Giancana % "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference between amd64 and ia64." "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd know the difference then." -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture % Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime around the middle of next week". -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice," she replied. "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" "Olives." % "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but examined his claws. "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been hers and not my own, not ever again." -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." % How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs % "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche full of money before." % "How'd you get that flat?" "Ran over a bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Damn kid had it under his coat." % Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" % "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." % "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a quavering voice. "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" HE asked me about black holes in space. (There's a hole *where*?) I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) I talked about Choo-Choo trains. HE talked internal combustion engines. (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete as equals. HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create the graphics. Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." (Gotcha!) -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" % I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" % "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. % I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." I picked it up and said "Hello?" The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" I said "Yes..." The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never called me again." -- Steven Wright % "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. I think very probably he might be cured." "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. The elders murmured assent. "Now, what affects it?" "Ah!" said old Yacob. "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant irritation and distraction." "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." "And then he will be sane?" "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" % "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots." % I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin % I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked me to cry. This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better to weep." I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come back; I would be nice." Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." "Oh, not enough." "Nobody can give anybody enough." "Not ever?" "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" % I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two arrests. "Not a very impressive record," I offered. "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what these complaints represent?" "What do they represent?" I asked. "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, closing the book. -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" % [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, as I am absolutely terrified of yams... Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. % "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) % I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun. -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" % "I suppose you expect me to talk." "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." -- Goldfinger % "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." -- The Life of Brian % "I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." % I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield % If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" % If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within the tao. But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. % If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. Both those things sound pretty good to me. -- Sparky Anderson % If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and repeat the sequence. You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around your own apartment? -- William S. Burroughs % If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?" Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money. This article can help you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with them, or something?" "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings would destroy the whole point of it." -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" % "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. I'm on my way." "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" % I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it was by the time I find it. I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left blank." -- Alex Crain % "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under my arm." % In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. % In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value to product." According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert? -- Motor Trend, May 1983 % In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. "Certainly," said man. "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. And He went away. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" % In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt. -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" % In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to large numbers and prospered. One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. -- The Story of Babel % In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. How could it be otherwise? -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do you close your eyes?" "So that the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. % In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home. The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads In the evening, floating in the soup. (chorus): Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! You can ask them anything you want to. They won't answer; they can't talk. (chorus): I took a fish head out to see a movie, Didn't have to pay to get it in. (chorus): They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. (chorus): Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women. (chorus): Fishy! (chorus): -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads" % "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than right any day." "And are you?" "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good life-style otherwise." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other than a citizen bless their country?" % "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." "The dog did nothing in the night-time." "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. % It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... -- DECWARS % It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. -- Alfred North Whitehead % It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings. The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. -- Playboy, January, 1983 % It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, man. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy" % It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the passengers. One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" % It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We need to find out where we are." Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately fifty feet in the air!" George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless!" That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". % It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never really needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software which is analogous to the above. -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa % It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % "It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle % "It's today!" said Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. % Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is it always me, teacher?" "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher explains. -- being told in Poland, 1987 % Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." % Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for. -- Dave Barry % Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going now. They're in a band. -- Ira Kaplan % Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" % Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'." % Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise. % "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." "What about X?" "I said `intellectual'." ;login, 9/1990 % Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." % "Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" % "Mind if I smoke?" "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" % Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. -- Spike Milligan % Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun." % Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail % Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose and Knights of Pithiests. The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. So we're going back in a few years... -- Julius H. Marx % "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." % My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on the alter of human limitations. I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the earth really does revolve about the sun. -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" % "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large audience, either." % Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw in the others. While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had therapy ask if people have had therapy. Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. Assume that she bought them at a flea market. -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the true value of the company. Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth. % "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I can't." "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" % Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" % Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to be avoided than harped upon. Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something about helping to postpone this reunion. -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" % "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll confirm who I am. "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." -- Captain Freedom % Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." % On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" % On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a normal person?" % On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is singing." "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." % On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works best, write it down and make that the standard. The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" % On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, she looked like the side of a barn. I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had to decide quickly. I decided. A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot Skirmish" % Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -- Richard Bach % Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. % Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast a spell over me and turned me into a frog." "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to help you break such a spell." "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend the night under her pillow." The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day her father and mother still don't believe her story. % Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! % Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant. The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." % Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. % Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone. -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" % One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons." Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector..." % One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers went to speak with him. "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow students inquired. "It is", Kyogen answered. "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. % One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you." The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie Kelly?" He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" % One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." % One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... "Change course 10 degrees South." The reply was quickly flashed back... "You change course 10 degrees North." The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message..... "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." Back came the reply... "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" Back came the reply... "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" % One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken Olsen's brain. Ed.] % One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 % page 46 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were on placebo." page 56 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human body functions. -- Norman Cousins, "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" % Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch a Tory!" A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we never reveal our sauce." A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry. A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills. % People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female persuasion. "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. % "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, sounding a bit worried. "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee said quickly. "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," Cobb said, hopping out. -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" % Phases of a Project: (1) Exultation. (2) Disenchantment. (3) Confusion. (4) Search for the Guilty. (5) Punishment for the Innocent. (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. % Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives. We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were. But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours. If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator, well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment, everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_. -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In" % Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works. A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program ran like a gentle wind. Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off." Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash % "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" % Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" % "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." "He was going to suck my blood!" "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt if they don't live our way." ... "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." "When you look at it that way..." "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. Whatever. We want. To do." -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" % Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well. -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub % Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the advertising men in charge of his campaign. "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % SAFETY I can live without Someone I love But not without Someone I need. % Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" % Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George. "What do you mean?" asked George. "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know." % "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." % She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." -- Morrisey % "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and paper boots." "What's he wanted for?" "Rustling." % Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. % So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." "Friday, then?" "Why not, David, it might even be fun." -- Dating in Minnesota % Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. And we always, always eat our vegetables. This is the Minneapple. % Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the Tao of Programming. If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of morning. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of farmers in America." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" % Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters Half 1/2 bottle Bottle 750 milliliters Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters Jeroboam 4 bottles Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US Methuselah 8 bottles Salmanazar 12 bottles Balthazar 16 bottles Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars to produce and they only made 8 of them. Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. % Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first these questions three, ere the other side he see! "What is your name?" "Sir Brian of Bell." "What is your quest?" "I seek the Holy Grail." "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" % Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning... And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson % "Surely you can't be serious." "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." % Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve ... -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." "So?" "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." % "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." -- e. e. cummings last service call % "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" % The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... % The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. % The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight." % The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he sees nothing but goyim..." "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think you got problems. What about my son?" % The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's second best?" % The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Courtship & Mating: Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. Track: Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. Comments: Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. % The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Description: Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. Feathering: HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. Song: A rather plaintive "Is it up?" % The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES SPECIES: Cranial Males SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) Plumage: All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black plastic digital watch with calculator. % The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". "What happened?" "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" % The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try a cup." The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little mix-up. Nothing serious." Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like coffee. Smooth and full bodied... -- Another Episode of General's Hospital % The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. % "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") On the good ship Enterprise Every week there's a new surprise Where the Romulans lurk And the Klingons often go berserk. Yes, the good ship Enterprise There's excitement anywhere it flies Where Tribbles play And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, Mr. Spock is at his side. The weekly menace, ooh-ooh It gets fried, scattered far and wide. It's the good ship Enterprise Heading out where danger lies And you live in dread If you're wearing a shirt that's red. -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics % The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. "That's two," he said. Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he shot the horse between the eyes. "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I married! You're a sadist, that's what!" The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % "The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?" -- Jeff Elman % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18c: DOGO Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as it travels across the screen. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. Here is a sample program: LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) SURE LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM REALLY LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) IM*SURE GOTO THE MALL When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! % THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?" % The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous liquid. He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal prestige of His identity. It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me into a pleasurific mood state. You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements. You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended time basis. % The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the master's office while the master waited in silence. "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. Is it not amazing?" The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he said. "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree to this?" "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well pleased. Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do you know where it might be?" "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform in the data center." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I have a quarter?" The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're right! Can I have a dollar?" % The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- ation. Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- logically experienced citizens." According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) % "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium % The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out on the water, round. Usurper. -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" % The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results. % The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? The answer exists only in the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" % The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!" % The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler. The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao. But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears % The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao. The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. % The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not Dave!" % Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" % Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of his real problems. The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can stand to live with. -- R. Geis % "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder hard, to keep from falling. Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." ... "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns." -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" "I'll put `maybe.'" -- Bloom County % THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker % There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts that people cannot think. -- Richard W. Hamming % There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found. On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before transcending structure." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" % There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door. "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. "Forty dollars." "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." % There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what they're carrying upstairs!" % There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... % There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: an accounting package or an operating system?" "An operating system," replied the programmer. The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system," he said. "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design." The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," he said, "but which is easier to debug?" The programmer made no reply. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these things was itself the doing of them. To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food spread only for demons or for gods." -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" % "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the country. We're completely computerized. "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 % This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of making anything out of all the hard work. If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow % Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" % To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog % To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a pint of ice cream nearby. -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" % Two men looked out from the prison bars, One saw mud-- The other saw stars. Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit in the head. % Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to sing, "Some day my prints will come." A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen. Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. % "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" % "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts up to 340." On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't work." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves. % We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" % "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and predatory. The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, Kid, I'd have myself a time!" -- William Burroughs % We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why you are so tired. There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! % "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the psycho-prompter couch?" "Thank you, Red." "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." "Yes, Red." "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" "Yes, Red." "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 explain the failure of your three marriages." "Well, I--" "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our product." -- Jules Feiffer % Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. Time passed, unheeded. Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. -- Wayfarer % "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being ripped off..." "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and let him lie there all night." "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside in the street, bleeding to death...'" "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. % "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily maim or kill innocent little children." "Oh, so you don't like it?" "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." -- The Killing Joke % "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is as follows." "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." "It means the Thing to Do." "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. % "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." -- "Doctor Who" % Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." % "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 The New Yorker's comment: At Harvard they'd call it a noun. % "We've decided to have the budgie put down." "Oh, is he very old then?" "No, we just don't like him." "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just above the beak." "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." -- Monty Python % "We've got a problem, HAL". "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling." "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." [...] "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" % "What are we going to do?" "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a short initiation period." -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" % "What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you." -- The Big Chill % "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News % "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. % What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice and they remain permanent influences on your life. Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" % "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God". "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". -- Joseph Heller % "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" % "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" % "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto the bar, "*everybody* pays!" % When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" political views. "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has moved farther to the left." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in. Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" % When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of Romania. -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" % "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. % While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and then. We're trying to catch her." "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you carrying a bucket of sand?" "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." % While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if you burn, madam." % While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you mean?" The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's why the sea is salt." "I don't get you," said the assistant. -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" % Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 % "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. "We did." % Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000." % With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, "Okay. It's your wife." "My wife!!" "Yeah." "What about her?" Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." % Work Hard. Rock Hard. Eat Hard. Sleep Hard. Grow Big. Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. -- The Webb Wilder Credo % Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? % "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either bury it or else throw it into the brook." "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half long, and two mouses wide." I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me how it was used... -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" % "Yo, Mike!" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." "Blessit! Lemme look... Hey, it's there all right! OK, just a sec... There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" -- Cold Fusion, 1989 % "You are *so* lovely." "Yes." "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." % "You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" % "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" % "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, and you may feel free to kick his ass." -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" % "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." % YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! % Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. -- Quote from a 1910 periodical % Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette table, etc. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" "We wound barbed wire around them." "That stop him?" "No, but it sure slowed him up." % Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow old by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust. Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair. In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed! -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood % " " -- Charlie Chaplin " " -- Harpo Marx " " -- Marcel Marceau % _ _ / \ o / \ | | o o o | | | | _ o o o o | \_| | / \ o o o \__ | | | o o | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ % /\ \\ \ / \ \\ / / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... \ \\ \/ -- Eurythmics % ___ ______ /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. \ \ \ / /\\ \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." // \__\/ / \ /\ \ _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ / / \ \ / / / /\ __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ /__________/ \ \ / \ _____ \ /_____\/ \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ \____\/ \__\/ % THE NORMAL LAW OF ERROR STANDS OUT IN THE EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND AS ONE OF THE BROADEST GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING * IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT -- W. J. Youden % *** ******* ********* ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." ******* *** % * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * % n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. % n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); -- C code which counts the bits in a word. % === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a cold boot process. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging performance. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, please communicate them by one of the following paths: ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket Non-network sites: Federal Express to: Wastebasket Room NE43-926 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== CAR and CDR now return extra values. The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because it cold boots the machine so often. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. Note that LET *could* have been defined by: (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) ,LET))) `(LET ((LET ',LET)) ,LET)) This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== JCL support as alternative to system menu. In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. % === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) (PROG (V P LP) (SETQ P (LOCF V)) L (SETQ LP LISTS) (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) (GO L1) L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) (SETQ LP (%POP)) (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) (GO L))) We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. % **** CONVENTION REMINDER No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. % **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential. % I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 % 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 2. The Nutcracker Swede 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 7. Crisco Kringle 8. Babes in Boyland 9. Santa's Magic Lap 10. Hot Buttered Elves -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square" % ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust. % ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain % ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot that he didn't force you down on the asking price. -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" % -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. % =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. % ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs! -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 % ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. -- from the Programming Pearls column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 % "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain % ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. % ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" % ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) % ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" % ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. -- Virginia Masters % ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts. -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" % ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. % ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_d_i_d* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod % ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" % <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< % ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming. -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" % /* Haley */ (Haley's comment.) % "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour" % ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI!! % **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. % ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be incalculable ... -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 % ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. -- Stephen Crane % >>> Internal error in fortune program: >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. % : is not an identifier % ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation % ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. -- Sidney Hook % ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... -- John 11:43-44 % ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? -- Opus % ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable! % -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation of a lucrative nature. -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. % ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** % *** NEWS FLASH *** Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. % *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! % ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth % ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" % ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" % -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. -- Surveillance should precede saltation. -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid. -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. % ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. -- Voltarine de Cleyre % ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. % -- THE BATES MOTEL -- ... convenient ... clean ... cozy Norman, knock loudly, I'm in the shower. M. % ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... -- Dave Barry % ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! % ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman." -- R. A. Lafferty % -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation. -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. % ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex layers that are going to be agreed upon. -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World % ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... % ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." -- The Firesign Theatre % ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" % U X e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... % * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. % VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 % << WAIT >> % ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- into doubt. -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. % ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. % ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and barely able to walk. "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, "The good news first!" "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." % !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH % 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 2: An inclined plane is a slope up. 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" % (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the furniture, shelves, and showcases. (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. Wash the windows once a week. (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's business. (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your individual taste. (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872 % 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. % 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" % (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. % (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, all horses are black. % 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as the social ramble ain't restful. 5. Avoid running at all times. 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. -- S. Paige, c. 1951 % 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 2 pints = 1 Cavort Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton to 1 meter per second One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz 1 Word = 1 Millipicture 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen % 1 bulls, 3 cows. % (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. % 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. % 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can. -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing % 1: No code table for op: ++post % 1) X=Y ; Given 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 % 10. Not everybody looks good naked. 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to future generations. -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" % 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers on the side. 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of "Doberperson". 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station. 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an enormous can of vegetable juice. 10. A beer won't smoke in your car. % 100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum... % $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. % 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR (1) Scarecrow for centipedes (2) Dead cat brush (3) Hair barrettes (4) Cleats (5) Self-piercing earrings (6) Fungus trellis (7) False eyelashes (8) Prosthetic dog claws . . . (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) (100) Killer velcro (101) Currency % 1/2 oz. gin 1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 3/4 oz. tequila 1/2 oz. triple sec 1/2 oz. orange juice 3/4 oz. sour mix 1/2 oz. cola shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. Long Island Iced Tea % 13. ... r-q1 % 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! % 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law! % 17th Rule of Friendship: A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is noncancellable. -- Esquire, May 1977 % 186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! % 1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 1906 The drink of QUALITY 1907 Good to the last drop 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 1919 It satisfies thirst 1919 The taste is the test 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 1922 Thirst knows no season 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink -- Coca-Cola slogans % 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 1929 The high sign of refreshment 1929 The pause that refreshes 1930 It had to be good to get where it is 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 1935 The pause that brings friends together 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 1938 The best friend thirst ever had 1939 Thirst stops here 1942 It's the real thing 1947 Have a Coke 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 1963 Things go better with Coke 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 1979 Have a Coke and a smile 1982 Coke is it! -- Coca-Cola slogans % 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 2nd graffitiest: Why? % 2180, U.S. History question: What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold? % 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find ourselves in. -- Jordan K. Hubbard % $3,000,000 % 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. % 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] % 3rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped % 40 isn't old. If you're a tree. % 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... -- /etc/motd, cbosgd % (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible and other good books. (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the business permit it. -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872 % 6 oz. orange juice 1 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. Galliano Harvey Wallbangers % 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. % 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. % 90% of the work takes 90% of the time. The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. % 94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here. % 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! % A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. % A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg % A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. % A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn % A bachelor is an unaltared male. % A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy for ever. -- Helen Rowland % A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse, but it don't fix the leg. % A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain. -- Robert Frost % A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain % A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. -- Kipling % A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % A beer delayed is a beer denied. % A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct. -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" % A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget % A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. % A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" % A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. % A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes % A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. % A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. % A bit of talcum Is always walcum -- Ogden Nash % A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. -- Groucho Marx % A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating resource centers along the roads. -- The Underground Grammarian % A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. % A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. % A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. % A box without hinges, key, or lid, Yet golden treasure inside is hid. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley % A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. -- John Steinbeck % A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. % A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. % A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. % A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." % A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. -- Robert W. Service % A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. % A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. -- Paul Valery % A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. % A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross examine him about his recent diet. "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be the problem?" The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. Tell me a bit about this missionary." "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" % A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. % A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." % A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. % A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it. % A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened. From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs. % A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." % A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs. After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500. "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days." "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half." % A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. % A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. -- Dave Barry % A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. % A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. % A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. % A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan % A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. -- Herbert Prochnow % A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. % A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, "The Disappearance of Literature" % A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. % A closed mouth gathers no foot. % A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. % A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. % A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. % A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" % A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton Berle % A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. -- Parkinson % A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. -- R. Stallman % A company is known by the men it keeps. % A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. % A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. -- Victor Hugo % [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbell % A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. -- Mitch Ratcliffe % A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling the president one of the latest talking computers. Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the speed of light?" Computer: 186,000 miles per second. Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" Computer: George Washington. President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. Where is my father?" Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty years ago!" Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just landed a twelve pound bass. % A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems the computer science student has run in to. CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and get the pointer value from there? Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and make it point to the previous item. CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier and structure elements must have unique names within that scope! Hacker: So call it 'previous'. And then the CS Student was enlightened. % A computer science student on an exam: According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently, information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool news. % A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. % A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo % A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. % A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. % A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen % A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg % A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -- Elbert Hubbard % A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam % A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt % A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. % A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer % A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. -- Rebecca West % A couch is as good as a chair. % A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin % A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back there, he don't have one!" % A cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money. -- Gertrude Stein % A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of this central section. Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. % A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. -- Whitney Balliett % A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. % A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. % A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Edgar A. Shoaff % A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? % A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. % A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. % A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. % A day without sunshine is like night. % A dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) % A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail. -- Jerry Ogdin % A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 % A Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service % A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. % A diplomat is a man who can tell you to go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. -- Samuel Clemens % A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" % A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert Frost % A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. % A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?" % A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?" She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". % A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. % A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live." "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than that?" "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since last Monday." % A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional courtesy," he explained. % A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash % A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. % A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant. -- Wilson Mizner % A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. -- Stanislaw Lem % A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." % A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein % A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. % A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. -- Publilius Syrus % A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. -- Robert A. Heinlein % A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. % A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill % A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. % A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly takes off and disappears into the distance. The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could have a drumstick." "How do they taste?" said the farmer. "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch one yet." % A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name should be masculine or feminine. After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and went on their way rather quickly. He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he asked. "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were masculine." "Unhhh... Well, why not?" "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she go!'" [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] % A few hours grace before the madness begins again. % A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. % A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, drowned in the lake!" "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal more chain than he can swim with?" % A fitter fits; Though sinners sin A cutter cuts; And thinners thin And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot A baby-sitter I've never yet Baby-sits -- Had letters let But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. A batter bats (Or scatters scats); A potting shed's for potting; But no one's found A bounder bound Or caught an otter otting. -- Ralph Lewin % A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood waiting for a taxi. "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." % A fool and his honey are soon parted. % A fool and his money are soon popular. % A fool and your money are soon partners. % A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. % A fool must now and then be right by chance. % A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. % A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- George Bernard Shaw % A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries % A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. % A fox is wolf who sends flowers. -- Ruth Weston % A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" % A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert Benchley % A friend in need is a pest indeed. % A friend is a present you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. -- Steven Wright % A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife. % A full belly makes a dull brain. -- Benjamin Franklin [and the local candy machine man. Ed] % A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands. % A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! % A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken % A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. % A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with the engineer: Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide electrical shock to the horse. G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore cannot be detected in post-race tests. G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before I decide what to do. Physicist? Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... % A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 % A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. -- Evan Esar [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] % A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. -- Fred Allen % A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. % A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_t_h_a_t _h_a_d _t_o _m_e_a_n _s_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g*. -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" % A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" % A girl's best friend is her mutter. -- Dorothy Parker % A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- it merely keeps her from enjoying it. % A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). % A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. -- Donald A. Metz % A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. -- Donald A. Metz % A good man always knows his limitations. -- Harry Callahan % A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. -- Michel de Montaigne % A good memory does not equal pale ink. % A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. -- J. Hawes % A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -- Patton % A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. -- Doug Linder % A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi % A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus % A good scapegoat is hard to find. % A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. % A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, then asks the backhoe operator for directions. -- Bill Bradford % A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. -- Lisa Kirk % A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat. % A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. -- James Beard % A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -- Barry Goldwater % A grammarian's life is always intense. % A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- Benjamin Franklin % A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James % A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century. % A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" % A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday. -- Russell Baker % A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. -- Carolyn Wells % A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. % A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. % A halted retreat Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. To retain people as men -- and maidservants Brings good fortune. % A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. % A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. % A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. % A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. -- John Updike % A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? -- Paul Harvey % A Hen Brooding Kittens A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 % A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. % A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. % A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. "Hello?" his friend answers. "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! I'm doing *great*! How are you?" "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." % A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? % A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! % A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901 % A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland % A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? -- Don Marquis % A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway % A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" % A is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne % A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and B is for biff, which reads all your mail. C is for cc, as hackers recall, while D is for dd, the command that does all. E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. G is for grep, a clever detective, while H is for halt, which may seem defective. I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and J is for join, which nobody uses. K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. M is for more, from which less was begot, and N is for nice, which it really is not. O is for od, which prints out things nice, while P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while T is for true, which does very little. U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and V is for vi, which is hard to abort. W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while X is, well, X, of dubious fame. Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and Z is for zcat, which handles compression. -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX % A joint is just tea for two. % A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. % A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. -- Lao Tsu % A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. -- Lao Tsu % A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; Earthen vessels Simply handed in through the window. There is certainly no blame in this. % A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost % A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. % A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. % A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess % A king's castle is his home. % A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. % A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. % A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian Day % A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" -- Gopete Sherany % A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. -- Alan J. Perlis % A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie % A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and third, make love to an Eskimo woman." "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of this here corn liquor?" "Got one right here," replied the guard. The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?" % A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt % A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck to the flypaper with all the other flies. Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" % A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. % A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost % A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. -- Willis Player % A lie in time saves nine. % A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % A life lived in fear is a life half lived. % A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. % A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. % A light wife doth make a heavy husband. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotle % A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. % A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. -- Alan J. Perlis % A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Donald E. Knuth % A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. % A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C. E. Ayres % A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) % A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" % A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. % A little word of doubtful number, A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. If you add an "s" to this, Great is the metamorphosis. Plural is plural now no more, And sweet what bitter was before. What am I? % A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. % A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. % A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. % A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. % A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright % A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col % A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. -- Thomas Hardy % A major, with wonderful force, Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. All the flowers looked round, But no horse could be found; So he just rhododendron, of course. % A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. -- Carrie Snow % A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. % A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. -- H. L. Mencken % A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see her again. Okay?" "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point on the side to make it interesting?" % A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After that it's cheating. -- Yves Montand % A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. -- Joan Rivers % A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. -- Du Bois % A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, "Is anybody there?" A deep majestic voice answered, "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" "Help me!!" cried the man. "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." The man thought for a moment and cried out: "Anybody ELSE up there?" % A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road. -- Alexander Smith % A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* Polish." He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with the joke. "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" "Nah," says the man. "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it five times." % A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" % A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. -- Brendan Francis % A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... water..." "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." "They're only four dollars apiece." "I need *water*." "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, and he heads off into the distance. The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." % A man is known by the company he organizes. -- Ambrose Bierce % A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. -- Richard Thompson % A man is only as old as the woman he feels. -- Groucho Marx % A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the funeral for?" "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her." "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." % A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not from around here, are you?" "No," replies the man with the antennae. "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all Martians have that?" "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." % A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" % A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. -- Samuel Johnson % A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. % A man may well bring a horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink with he will. -- John Heywood % A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" % A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. % A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane % A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to her aid. Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I just want to get my saddle back!" % A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he is able to answer. -- Ronald Colman % A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a late card games. "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always wakes up and gives me hell." "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. "You do?" "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. `How about a little smooch for your old man?'" "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends she's asleep." % A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, why did you Di......eeee" The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, why....eeeee did you.." "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? Tell, me who is buried here?" "My wife's first husband." % A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) % A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way. % A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. % A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him. % A man who turns green has eschewed protein. % A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. % A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure. % A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. % A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. % A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. % A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man would deliberately go mad to prove his point. -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" % A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. % A man's best friend is his dogma. % A man's gotta know his limitations. -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" % A man's house is his castle. -- Sir Edward Coke % A man's house is his hassle. % A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. "It is right before your eyes," said the master. "Why do I not see it for myself?" "Because you are thinking of yourself." "What about you: do you see it?" "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" "When there is neither `I' nor `You', who is the one that wants to see it?" % A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may yet save her!!" The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 6 feet high." The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." % A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. -- P. Erdos % A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. % A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. % A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. -- Dean Acheson % A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz % A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -- Audubon Society Magazine [From the BBC, 2001-02-02: For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx helicopters passed overhead. "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, really." The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on king penguins.] % A mighty creature is the germ, Though smaller than the pachyderm. His customary dwelling place Is deep within the human race. His childish pride he often pleases By giving people strange diseases. Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? You probably contain a germ. -- Ogden Nash % A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. % A modem is a baudy house. % A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. -- Goldsmith % A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second language?" % A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. -- Frost % A motion to adjourn is always in order. % A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in. % A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. % A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. % A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. -- William Blake % A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" % A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal % A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. % A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander Hamilton % A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" % A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" % A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. % A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' now has no excuse for further procrastination. % A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" % A New Way of Taking Pills A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 % A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. % A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' you now: Save me, Lord, save me." Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls to his death. "DUMB YANKEE." % A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon or two." % A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer % A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi Berra % A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma Gandhi % A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes before replying. "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved enlightenment, several years later. Commentary: His Master is kind, Answering his FAQ quickly, With thought and sarcasm. % A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. % A pain in the ass of major dimensions. -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits % A Parable of Modern Research: Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one brightly lit corner. "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" "I can only see here." % A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. -- William S. Burroughs % A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. % A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -- Gloria Steinem % A pencil with no point needs no eraser. % A penny saved has not been spent. % A penny saved is a penny taxed. % A penny saved is ridiculous. % A penny saved kills your career in government. % A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. -- Anatole France % A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! -- Thackeray % A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. % A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. % A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. % A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. -- Donald E. Knuth % A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. -- Elbert Hubbard % A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald % A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four-by-two's," he says. "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check." Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable. "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says. He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house". % A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" % A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. % A place for everything and everything in its place. -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to memory management system services.] % A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. -- Stanley Baldwin % A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments. % A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. % A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. % A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," the teller says. "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy paycheck?" -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 % A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. -- Jean-Paul Sartre % A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. -- Walt Kelly % A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. % A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" % A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. -- Lazarus Long % A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher % A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of yours to press against my heart. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. % A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And the Master answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George Eliot % A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 % A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. -- Miguel de Cervantes % A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. % A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine % A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. % A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with -- even if he drank. -- H. L. Mencken % A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." % A promiscuous person is usually someone who is getting more sex than you are. -- Victor Lownes % A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. -- Aristotle % A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. -- Joey Adams % A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. % A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. -- Colton % A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. -- Donald A. Metz % A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop." "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." % A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. -- Steel City News % A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. -- Saul Alinsky % A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. % A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbor notice it. -- Trygve Lie % A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." % A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. % A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. -- Overheard in an algebra lecture % A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. % A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. % A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my pub!" % A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money. -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) % A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark % A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater. % A robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- Blake % A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % A rolling disk gathers no MOS. % A rolling stone gathers momentum. % A rolling stone gathers no moss. -- Publilius Syrus % A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. -- Plutarch % A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? % A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not true. I'm very good in beds as well." % A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars % A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. % A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway". % A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper vocation?" The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of the vocation must fit the individual. "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the scholar sobbed. Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" % A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. -- Max Planck % A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) % A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness of this necessary reorganization of our lives. It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the ground. -- J. W. N. Sullivan % A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -- Samuel Butler % A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. -- Don Marquis % A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 % A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" % A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner % A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. All tenderly his messenger he chose; Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- One perfect rose. I knew the language of the floweret; "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." Love long has taken for his amulet One perfect rose. Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose. -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" % A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul % A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. % A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. % A snake lurks in the grass. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. % A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out. -- L. Ron Hubbard % A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs 15:1 % A soft drink turneth away company. % A song in time is worth a dime. % A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: "How are you?" they ask. "Oh, I'm fine," he says. "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand dollars." The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is "Where's Old Blue?" "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these years?'" The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" % A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. % A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. -- Harry S. Truman % A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. % A stitch in time saves nine. % A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry % A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel Webster % A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. % A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. % A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. % A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson % A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach % A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards! -- Michael O'Brien % A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) -- by Franz Kafka A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) -- by J. R. R. Tolkien Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. Hamlet LITE(tm) -- by William Shakespeare A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. % A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean lady who knits. Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes. The Odyssey LITE(tm) -- by Homer After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. % A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. % A tautology is a thing which is tautological. % A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. -- Michael Winner, British film director % A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around *Boston*." "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?" % A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." % A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. -- Diane Duane % A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. % A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig. "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life." "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?" The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." % A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. % A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. -- Shaw % A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. -- Benjamin Franklin % A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent. -- William Blake % A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi % A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin % A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. % A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams % A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn % A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao Tsu % A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. % A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. % A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. % A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy % A watched clock never boils. % A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. % A well-known friend is a treasure. % A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. Software rots if not used. These are great mysteries. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. -- Addison % A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there *for the rest of your life*. -- Jim Samuels % A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well. % A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. % A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb % A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire % A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. % A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII % A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle. -- Edna Ferber % A woman can never be too rich or too thin. % A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" % A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. -- Scott % A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. -- Jane Austen % A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. -- LeSage % A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings % A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- Chamfort % A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- Chamfort % A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. -- Stendhal % A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 % A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. -- Maurine Lewis % A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under the circumstances. One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto his head!" The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* surprise for you!" "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" % A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -- Gloria Steinem % A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. % A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" % A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. % A word to the wise is enough. -- Miguel de Cervantes % A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. % A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. -- William Faulkner % A yawn is a silent shout. -- G. K. Chesterton % A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. % A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 % A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she gushed. "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing the ring. A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing the coat. Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" % A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out of the store with the woman following him in a daze. The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a terrific weekend." % A young man wrote to Mozart and said: Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?" A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." A: "But I never asked anybody how." % A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. % AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! % Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. % Abbott's Admonitions: 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia % Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. % Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, And saw, within the moonlight in his room, Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, An angel writing in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, And to the presence in the room he said, "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, And with a look made of all sweet accord, Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night It came again with a great wakening light, And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" % About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. % About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. % About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. % About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover % About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % Above all else - sky. % Above all things, reverence yourself. % Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. % Abscond, v.: To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative and miss the return train. % Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld % Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. -- Hannah More % Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. % Absence makes the heart forget. % Absence makes the heart go wander. % Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius % Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. % Absence makes the heart grow frantic. % Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. % Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer % Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Abstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve immediately when tight neckwear was removed. -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. % Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre % Academicians care, that's who. % ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught. INSTITUTE: An archaic school where football is not taught. % Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. % Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. % ACCEPTANCE TESTING: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. % Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Foolish Dictionary % Accidentally Shot Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 % Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly sheepish grin" comes from. % According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. % According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." % According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms and a void. -- Democritus, 400 B.C. % According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. % According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo % According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. % According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. % According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. -- David Letterman % Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. % Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right. % Acid -- better living through chemistry. % Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. % Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. % Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life. -- Glenda Jackson % Actor Real Name Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt Cary Grant Archibald Leach Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman John Wayne Marion Morrison Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr. Roy Rogers Leonard Slye Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg % Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" % Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. % Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 % Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. % Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator only have one floor to go to. Assume true for N, prove for N+1: If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, it is true for all N+1 floors. QED. % Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) % ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid % Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. % Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. -- George Washington (1732-1799) % Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 % Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. % Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. % Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ... -- Gilda Radner % Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. % Adults die young. % Advancement in position. % Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson % Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis % Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. -- George Orwell % Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. % Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. % Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. % Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. % Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be aseptic. % African violet: Such worth is rare Apple blossom: Preference Bachelor's button: Celibacy Bay leaf: I change but in death Camellia: Reflected loveliness Chrysanthemum, red: I love Chrysanthemum, white: Truth Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love Clover: Be mine Crocus: Abuse not Daffodil: Innocence Forget-me-not: True love Fuchsia: Fast Gardenia: Secret, untold love Honeysuckle: Bonds of love Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality Leaves (dead): Melancholy Lilac: Youthful innocence Lily: Purity, sweetness Lily of the valley: Return of happiness Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. % After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, especially that which is prohibited. -- Newton Minow, 1985, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools % After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more advanced than the lichen family. -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" % After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. % After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads On today because tomorrow's ground Is too uncertain. And futures have A way of falling down in midflight, After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting For someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong, And you really do have worth And you learn and learn With every goodbye you learn. -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" % After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare % After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. % After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux % After all my erstwhile dear, My no longer cherished, Need we say it was not love, Just because it perished? -- Edna St. Vincent Millay % After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'Rourke % After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. % After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. % After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." % After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement. -- Norman Thomas % After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? % After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. % ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with one foot in his mouth.) -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" % After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverb % After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 % After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. % After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1923. % After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental woman who seemed to be in control." Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and straight to the point. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" % After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. % After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! % Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. % Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. % Against Idleness and Mischief How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) % Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 % Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. % Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy Parker % Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. % Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. % Agree with them now, it will save so much time. % Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" % Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, there's the rub. For all dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare most end with the dreamer But at least one must be lived ... and died. % Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, "How good, how good does it feel to be free?" And I answer them most mysteriously: "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" -- Bob Dylan % Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. % Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! % Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! % "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic % Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. % Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. % Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement Stone % Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. -- The Mad Dogtender % Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man. -- Moms Mabley % Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to Kansas City. -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd been traded % Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. % Air is water with holes in it. % Air, n.: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. % Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre % Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" % Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % Alas, how love can trifle with itself! -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" % Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] % ALASKA: A prelude to "No." % Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. -- Tom Robbins % Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." % ALBRECHT'S LAW: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. % Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest poison is time. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude" % Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- George Bernard Shaw % Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible. % Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. % Alex Haley was adopted! % Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. % Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -- The Best of Will Rogers % Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. -- Philippe Schnoebelen % Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language yet developed. -- T. Cheatham % ALGORITHM: Trendy dance for hip programmers. % Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. % Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. -- Peggy Joyce % Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. -- Arthur Baer % Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. -- Norman Mailer % Alimony is the high cost of leaving. % Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. % Alive without breath, As cold as death; Never thirsty, ever drinking, All in mail ever clinking. % All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. % All art is but imitation of nature. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca % All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of Catiline", by Sallust % All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others. -- Alan Truscott % All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % All constants are variables. % All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En Lai % All extremists should be taken out and shot. % All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. % All flesh is grass. -- Isaiah 40:6 Smoke a friend today. % All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twain % All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" % All Gods were immortal. -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % All great discoveries are made by mistake. -- Young % All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. % All heiresses are beautiful. -- John Dryden % All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. -- Yoda % All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri % All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. % All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. % All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish % All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. -- Samuel Beckett % All I need to have a good time, Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. With those three things I don't need no sunshine, A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. All I want is to never grow old, I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. I want 97 kilos already rolled, I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" % All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant % All intelligent species own cats. % All is fear in love and war. % All is well that ends well. -- John Heywood % All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. % All kings is mostly rapscallions. -- Mark Twain % All laws are simulations of reality. -- John C. Lilly % All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -- Richard Dawkins % All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody Allen % All men have the right to wait in line. % All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility. -- Chuang Tzu % All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none so is something worse. -- John Quincy Adams % All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. Definitely a dog. % All most people ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of their own importance. % All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. % All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. % All my friends are getting married, Yes, they're all growing old, They're all staying home on the weekend, They're all doing what they're told. % All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner % ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous model. % All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. % All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it. % All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright % All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" % All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" % All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. -- Vic Gold % All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 % All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx % All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon % All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. -- Susan Sontag % All power corrupts, but we need electricity. % All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found the last bug." -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. % All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" % All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- Ernest Rutherford % All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. -- James Martin % All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. -- Saint Patrick % All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. % All that glitters has a high refractive index. % All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. % All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" % All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. % All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen With all the words gone, They all had their day What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, And all the lines read, So small and so tender There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. It reminds me of days of So what is this line Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? I've read all the greats Both starving and fat, But none was as great as "I tot I taw a puddy tat." -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" % All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug % ...all the modern inconveniences... -- Mark Twain % All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld % All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood % All the simple programs have been written. % All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. -- Jim Fiebig % All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. % All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey % All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 % All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman % All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. % All things being equal, you are bound to lose. % All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" % All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. -- Henry Tyroon % All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. % All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice. % All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. -- Francois Fenelon % All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with our lives." -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" % All who joy would win Must share it -- Happiness was born a twin. -- Lord Byron % All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. % All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. -- H. L. Mencken % Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. % Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % All's well that ends. % Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate. -- K. E. Iverson % Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. % alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often found in baas. caaa, n: An automobile. centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or someone involved with the Knicks.) chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or computation. -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary % Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. -- Dave Barry % Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 % Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. % Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping." -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) % Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. % Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain % Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. % Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. % Always run from a knife and rush a gun. -- Jimmy Hoffa % Always store beer in a dark place. % Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" % Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. % Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea. -- Seth Frankel % Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. % Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. % AMAZING BUT TRUE... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. % AMAZING BUT TRUE... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. % Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % AMBIGUITY: Telling the truth when you don't mean to. % Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy % Ambition, n.: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % America: born free and taxed to death. % America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. -- Oscar Wilde % America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? -- Allen Ginsberg % America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top. -- Utah Phillips % America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. -- President John F. Kennedy The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. -- Adlai E. Stevenson The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised by the majority they were at the time. -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren % America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. % America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara % America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" % American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" % American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. % American cars are made shoddily... Cars made overseas are far superior. -- Barry Goldwater % [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging. -- Samuel Johnson America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Toynbee The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. -- Jim Samuels % Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. % Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" % America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. % Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. % AMOEBIT: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time. % Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) % Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. % An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live % An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. -- Marlon Brando % An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." % An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. % An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. -- James Michener, "Space" % An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" % An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas % An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- Donald E. Knuth % An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) % An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English language. % An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. -- A Chinese child % An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." % An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you get to work?" Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public transportation everywhere." A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" R: "We take the train." A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" R: "We don't ever want go abroad." A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" R: "We take tanks." % An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops. % An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. -- David Letterman % An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Kraus % An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last. -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 % An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. % An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. % An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. % An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. % An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov % An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato or a, not too French, french bean must excite your languid spleen. For, if you walk down Picadilly with a poppy or lily in your medieval hand, every one will say, as you walk your flowery way; "If this young man is content, with a vegetable love which would certainly not content me. Why, what a very pure young man this pure young man must be!" -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] % An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." % An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. % An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. % An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. % An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. % An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters. -- Winston Churchill % An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. -- Homer Ferguson % An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but I've already paid them half of it." "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" % An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. % An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. % An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. % An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" % An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -- A. P. Herbert % An evil mind is a great comfort. % An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" % An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. % ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often picturesque liar. -- Mark Twain % An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. -- Niels Bohr % An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. -- Benjamin Stolberg % An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. % An eye in a blue face Saw an eye in a green face. "That eye is like this eye" Said the first eye, "But in low place, Not in high place." % An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. A manly man, to be a wizard able; Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. His console, when he typed, a man might hear Clicking and feeping wind as clear, Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor As old and strict he tended to ignore; He let go by the things of yesterday And took the modern world's more spacious way. He did not rate that text as a plucked hen Which says that Hackers are not holy men. And that a hacker underworked is a mere Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. That was a text he held not worth an oyster. And I agreed and said his views were sound; Was he to study till his head wend round Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil As Andy bade and till the very soil? Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? Let Andy have his labor to himself! -- Chaucer [well, almost. Ed.] % An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. -- Simon Cameron There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When bought they stay bought. -- Bill Moyers % An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" % An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. % An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry Ford % An idle mind is worth two in the bush. % An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. -- Konrad Adenauer % An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. -- Albert Camus % An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated by the corresponding row and column labels. -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence" % An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -- Benjamin Franklin % An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. "Grandmother is baking strudel right now." A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral." % An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. -- Don Marquis % An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. A pessimist is a married optimist. % An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. % An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. -- Michael Korda % An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. -- Spanish proverb % An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. % Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. % And all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, I've worried and worried and worried away. Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, I've worried about it with all of my heart. "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better - it's not. So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. And truffula trees are what everyone needs. Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" % And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void That others may know In the land of the night The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead. -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. % And did those feet, in ancient times, Walk upon England's mountains green? And was the Holy Lamb of God In England's pleasant pastures seen? And did the Countenance Divine Shine forth upon these crowded hills? And was Jerusalem builded here Among these dark satanic mills? Bring me my bow of burning gold! Bring me my arrows of desire! Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! Bring me my chariot of fire! I shall not cease from mental fight, Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, Till we have built Jerusalem In England's green and pleasant land. -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" % And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? % And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. -- Kahlil Gibran % And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and he shouted out, "YOPP!" And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect them. No matter how small-ish!" -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" % And here I wait so patiently Waiting to find out what price You have to pay to get out of Going thru all of these things twice -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" % And I alone am returned to wag the tail. % And I heard Jeff exclaim, As they strolled out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all -- You take credit cards, right?" -- "Outsiders" comic % And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about them, aren't braced against them. -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" % And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams -- he was good for nothing." -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family % And if California slides into the ocean, Like the mystics and statistics say it will. I predict this motel will be standing, Until I've paid my bill. -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" % And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! % And if you wonder, What I am doing, As I am heading for the sink. I am spitting out all the bitterness, Along with half of my last drink. % And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. -- Joan Baez % And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. -- David Jones % And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. -- A. E. Housman % And miles to go before I sleep. % And now for something completely the same. % And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage And code in a queue Have been biding their time, Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean hand... % And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. % And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. % And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words % ...and report cards I was always afraid to show Mama'd come to school and as I'd sit there softly cryin' Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' Got a good head if he'd apply it but you know yourself it's always somewhere else I'd build me a castle with dragons and kings and I'd ride off with them As I stood by my window and looked out on those Brooklyn roads -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" % And so it was, later, As the miller told his tale, That her face, at first just ghostly, Turned a whiter shade of pale. -- Procol Harum % And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" % And that's the way it is... -- Walter Cronkite % And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no clothes! He is naked!" -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" % And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" % And the silence came surging softly backwards When the plunging hooves were gone... -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" % And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. % And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" % And this is good old Boston, The home of the bean and the cod, Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, And the Cabots talk only to God. % And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version % And we heard him exclaim As he started to roam: "I'm a hologram, kids, please don't try this at home!'" -- Bob Violence % And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" % And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" -- The Grateful Dead % And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. -- Charles Dickens % And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics. -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and Ground Cover" % And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty... % "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said he, earnestly. -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" % Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _n_e_e_d_s heroes. -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" % Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can. % ANDROPHOBIA: Fear of men. % Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Lehrer % Anger is momentary madness. -- Horace % Anger kills as surely as the other vices. % Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus Long % Ankh if you love Isis. % Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans think you can, and that's the point, right?) % Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Another day, another dollar. -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan. % Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus" % Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. % Another megabytes the dust. % Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *_a_n_d* fresher breath. -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" % Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- Pyrrhus % Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. -- Proverbs 26:5 % Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. % Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. % Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. % Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. % Antonio Antonio Was tired of living alonio He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid In a bowery shade, Sitting and knitting alonio. Antonio Antonio Said if you will be my ownio I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish You singular fish Is that you will quickly begonio. Antonio Antonio Uttered a dismal moanio And went off and hid Or I'm told that he did In the Antarctical Zonio. % Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. % Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast cars across Europe. % Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. % Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe % Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die? -- Charles Lindbergh % Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. -- Richard Schickel % Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop % Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. % Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. % Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know how to lie well. -- Samuel Butler % Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -- Hedy Lamarr % Any given program will expand to fill available memory. % Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon Short % Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. % Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that requires a heroism which is transcendent. -- Henry Ward Beecher % Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields % Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London % Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris % Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation. -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press % Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. -- Lazarus Long % Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer of indirection. -- David Wheeler % Any program which runs right is obsolete. % Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. % Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" % Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. % Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber % Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. % Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec % Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. % Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke % Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason given proper legal counsel. -- Alfred Perlstein % Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. % Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. % Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. % Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. -- J. P. Morgan % Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David Broder % Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. % Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. % Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way -- that is not easy. -- Aristotle % Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley % Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Syrus % Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. % Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of thought on every occasion. -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) % Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. % Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my extremely humble opinion. -- Philip Paeps % Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" % Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -- Robert A. Heinlein % Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence. -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry % Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn % Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. -- Elizabeth Zwicky % Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. -- Mark Twain % Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields % Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. -- Philippus Paracelsus % Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. -- Eleanor Roosevelt % Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx % Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood % Anything anybody can say about America is true. -- Emmett Grogan % Anything cut to length will be too short. % Anything free is worth what you pay for it. % Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. % Anything is possible on paper. -- Ron McAfee % Anything is possible, unless it's not. % Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. % Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. % Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" % Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. % Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" % Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited. % Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. % APHASIA: Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But of what use is your research?" % Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. Afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom % APL hackers do it in the quad. % APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; ...and is best for educational purposes. -- Alan J. Perlis % APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them. -- Roy Keir % Appearances often are deceiving. -- Aesop % APPENDIX: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. % Applause, n.: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % April is the cruelest month... -- Thomas Stearns Eliot % Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. % AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on payday. Stop wetting your bed. % AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be able to lend you a few bucks. % Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. -- Peter Nelson % Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said." % ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE % Are we not men? % Are we running light with overbyte? % Are Women Human? In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one vote. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Don't you know any better? How could you be so stupid? If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Do as I say, not as I do. Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. What did you do *this* time? If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. When I was your age... I won't love you if you keep doing that. Think of all the starving children in India. If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. I'm going to kill you. Way to go, clumsy. If you don't like it, you can lump it. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Go away. You bother me. Why? Because life is unfair. That's a nice drawing. What is it? Children should be seen and not heard. You'll be the death of me. You'll understand when you're older. Because. Wipe that smile off your face. I don't believe you. How many times have I told you to be careful? Just because. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Good children always obey. Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you. Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... When are you going to grow up? I'm only doing this for your own good. Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about. What's wrong with you? Someday you'll thank me for this. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Don't you have any sense at all? If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. Why? Because I said so. I hope you have a kid just like yourself. % Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... You wouldn't understand. You ask too many questions. In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. That's for me to know and you to find out. Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick up for yourself. You're acting too big for your britches. Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? Wait till your father gets home. Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. Shape up or ship out. % Are you a turtle? % Are you making all this up as you go along? % Are you sure the back door is locked? % Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. -- Oscar Wilde % Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. % ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've got a mean streak in you a mile wide. % ARITHMETIC: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries. % Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse % Armadillo, v.: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. % Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. -- P. J. O'Rourke % Armor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. % Armstrong's Collection Law: If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to someone else. % Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. % Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. (He died in 1921.) Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this fantasy... What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the piece would be better known as: SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! % Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." -- Muad'dib, "Dune" % Art is a jealous mistress. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- Picasso % Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan % Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin % Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal % "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. % Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. % Article the Third: Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. Article the Fourth: The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. Article the Fifth: Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved. -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" % Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers. -- David Parnas % Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. % As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. % As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" % As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. -- Matt Cartmill % As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass. The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp. Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" % As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. -- Joseph Brodsky % As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein % As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert % As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" % As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. -- Frederic Reynolds % As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. -- John F. Kennedy % As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. % As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad. % As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. -- Steve Allen % As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! -- Jack Handey % As I thought, no better from this side. -- Eeyore % As I was going up Punch Card Hill, Feeling worse and worser, There I met a C.R.T. And it drop't me a cursor. C.R.T., C.R.T., Phosphors light on you! If I had fifty hours a day I'd spend them all at you. -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes % As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? % As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, The words were torn and tattered, From the storm the night before, The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. % As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name. -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie % As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies on the austerity of the word. -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 % As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that. -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) % As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? % As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. % As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" % As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 3. Some people never look at me. 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 5. My sex life is A-okay. 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 12. I cannot read or write. 13. I am bored by thoughts of death. 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 16. I am never startled by a fish. 17. My mother's uncle was a good man. 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 19. People who break the law are wise guys. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. % As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I think beavers work too hard. 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 3. God is love. 4. I like mannish children. 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 10. Frantic screams make me nervous. 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice. 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 16. My eyes are always cold. 17. Cousins are not to be trusted. 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 19. I am never startled by a fish. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. % As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, Follow it through, me canny lad O; Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. Please update your programs. % As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs. % As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. % As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: Newsgroups: comp.sources.d Subject: how do I run C code received from sources Keywords: C sources Distribution: na I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that must be done? % As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service conversion to a new computer system. % As some day it may happen that a victim must be found I've got a little list -- I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. -- Koko, "The Mikado" % As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 % As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen % As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity. -- Benjamin Franklin % As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes % As Will Rogers would have said,"There is no such thing as a free variable." % As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" % As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. -- The Cowboy % As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" % As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the spider is suing you for damages. % As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. -- Dave "First Strike" Pare % As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." % Ascend to the high mountain pass, Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean. Do not give up to the great distance: It's by going that you will reach your aim. Be not discouraged by human frailty: You will overcome it if you try to. -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan % ASCII: The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall receive." -- Robb Russon % ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. % ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. % Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. % Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler % Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate. -- Howard Kandel % Ask not for whom the tolls. % Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. % Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. -- J. J. Gibson % Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. % Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart Mill % Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." -- David Letterman % Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." -- Garrison Keillor % Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton % Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". % Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. Gries % Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. -- Stanley Walker % Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. % Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser % At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving a computer problem?" "Remember the twin paradox?" After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the computer here, and accelerate the earth!" The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. % At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow % At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore. -- Kahlil Gibran % At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even function as a normal person. I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you some UNIX, Just Say No! % At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it. -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" % At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 % At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. -- Strange de Jim % At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White % At least they're _E_X_P_E_R_I_E_N_C_E_D incompetents. % At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden % At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. -- John Keats % At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. -- H. R. Gumby % At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities are scheduled. % At the foot of the mountain, thunder: The image of Providing Nourishment. Thus the superior man is careful of his words And temperate in eating and drinking. % At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track. -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" % At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, gently!" The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... guess who's going to die soon!" % At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. % At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. Alaquon % At times discretion should be thrown aside, and with the foolish we should play the fool. -- Menander % At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. % Atheism is a non-prophet organization. % ATLANTA: An entire city surrounded by an airport. % Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. % Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill % Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. -- Marten Mickos % Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 % Auction, n.: A gyp off the old block. % Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. -- G. J. Danton % Audiophile, n.: Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. % Auribus teneo lupum. [I hold a wolf by the ears.] % AUTHENTIC: Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. % Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman % Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" % Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. % Avec! % Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. % Avoid cliches like the plague. They're a dime a dozen. % Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. % Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Avoid reality at all costs. % Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student % Avoid strange women and temporary variables. % Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. % Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % BACHELOR: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. % BACHELOR: A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. % Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. Business before pleasure." % Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It never really caught on. % Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing. % BACKWARD CONDITIONING: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. % Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. % BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! % Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates % Bagbiter: 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, CHOMPER, CHOMPING. % Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. % Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" % Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. % BALLISTOPHOBIA: Fear of bullets; OTOPHOBIA: Fear of opening one's eyes. PECCATOPHOBIA: Fear of sinning. TAPHEPHOBIA: Fear of being buried alive. SITOPHOBIA: Fear of food. TRICHOPHOBIA: Fear of hair. VESTIPHOBIA: Fear of clothing. % BALTIMORE: A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. % Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. % Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. % Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. % Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. % Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. % Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. % Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication. % Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. % Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. % Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer % Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. -- Will Rogers % Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman % Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics. % Basic is a high level languish. APL is a high level anguish. % BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." % BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour Papert % BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. % Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. -- Woody Allen % Bathquake, n.: The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Batteries not included. % Battle, n.: A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. % BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) % BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) % Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- Homer % Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. % Be careful! Is it classified? % Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! % Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. % Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain % Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" % Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. % Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. -- Derek Bok % Be cautious in your daily affairs. % Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. % Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. -- De Maintenon % Be different: conform. % Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards. % Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. % Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. % Be independent. Insult a rich relative today. % Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. % Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. -- Wilson Mizner % Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. -- Pope St. Gregory I % Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. % Be prepared to accept sacrifices. Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. % Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Flaubert % Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. % Be self-reliant and your success is assured. % Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. % Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. % Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John Lyly % Beachhead, n.: In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain control and from which you go out to control other pieces of the market. In war: Where soldiers die. % Beam me up, Scotty! % Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! % Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! % Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. % BEAUTY: What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. % Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. % Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. % Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. -- Jean Anouilh % Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -- John Keats % Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. -- Redd Foxx % Because I do, Because I do not hope, Because I do not hope to survive Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, Because I do, only do, I continue... -- T. S. Pynchon % Because the wine remembers. % Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us. -- Henrik Tikkanen % Been through hell? What did you bring back for me? % Been Transferred Lately? % Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. % Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. % Bees are very busy souls They have no time for birth controls And that is why in times like these There are so many Sons of Bees. % Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. -- Addison H. Hallock % Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour. -- Psalms 18:12 % ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling. -- Joseph Conrad % Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. % Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage they are "Let's eat out." % Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project first. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 % Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. % Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" % Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. % Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. % Beggar to well-dressed businessman: "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" % Beggars should be no choosers. -- John Heywood % Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. % Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. % Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. % Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that basket!" -- Mark Twain % Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. % Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. % Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. % Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges. -- Beyond the Fringe % Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men. -- Conrad % Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." % Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" % Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want. % Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. -- Eugene McCarthy % Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. -- Blake Clark % Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment. % Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. % Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. -- unnamed Justice Department official % Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. % Belief, n.: Something you do not believe. % Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honore de Balzac % Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. % Ben, why didn't you tell me? -- Luke Skywalker % Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. % Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -- Time Bandits % Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. % Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It % Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." -- Kirk McKusick % Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either. -- Oscar Wilde % Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." "The test or the room?" "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, why?" "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." -- House of God % Bershere's Formula for Failure: There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. % Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" % Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our victuals being spent and especially our beer." -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual % Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned with television aerials. In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill in the background. In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is clearly visible on one of the leading characters. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. % Beta test, v.: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. % Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad. -- Christina Rossetti % Better dead than mellow. % Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess. % Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. % Better late than never. -- Titus Livius (Livy) % Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. % better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } % Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light. -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" % Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. % Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. -- motto of the Christopher Society % Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. % Better tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff Cooper % Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single word. It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. -- The Realist, November, 1964 % Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. % Between infinite and short there is a big difference. -- G. H. Gonnet % Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system service dispatching.] % BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. % Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. % Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. % Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. % Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. -- Henry David Thoreau % Beware of Bigfoot! % Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald E. Knuth % Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! % Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. % Beware of geeks bearing graft. % Beware of low-flying butterflies. % Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. -- St. Augustine % Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein % Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure. % Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. % Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. % Beware the new TTY code! % Beware the one behind you. % Bi, n.: When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. % Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". % Big book, big bore. -- Callimachus % Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice Are making midnight music in the moonlight, Mighty nice! % Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. % Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. % Bilbo's First Law: You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. % Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season % Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from generation to generation? Mom: Yes? Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. % Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. % Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana. -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" % Bing's Rule: Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. % Biology grows on you. % Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. % Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York % Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" % Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. % Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. % Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer's movement in restaurants. -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" % Bit, n.: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago. % Bit off more than my mind could chew, Shower or suicide, what do I do? -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" % Biz is better. % Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. % Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores. -- Julius Lester % Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, They were just some of my tropical fish. Then I got mantas that sting in the water, Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, Savage male betas that bite with a squish, Now I have many less tropical fish. If you think that Fish are peaceful That's an empty wish. Just dump them together And leave them alone, And soon you will have -- no fish. -- To My Favorite Things % Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, She wants to hit those bricks, 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" % Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. % Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover % Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it. -- James Russell Lowell % Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. % Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. -- W. C. Bennett % Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. -- Alexander Pope % Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living. -- W. C. Bennett % Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. -- George Eliot % Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. -- David Nichols % BLISS is ignorance. % Blithwapping, v.: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Blood flows down one leg and up the other. % Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. % Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny. % Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. % Blow it out your ear. % Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] % Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. % Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. % Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. % Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. % Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. % Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. % Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" % Bondage maybe, discipline never! -- T. K. % Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" % BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! % Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. % Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. % Bore, n.: A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell % Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. % Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." % Boston, n.: An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. % Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. % Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar. -- O. W. Holmes % Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection. -- Bell System Technical Reference % Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written. % Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. -- Ralph Lewin % Bower's Law: Talent goes where the action is. % Bowie's Theorem: If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. % Boy! Eucalyptus! % Boy, get your head out of the stars above, You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. Save your heart and let your body be enough, To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. Save your heart and let your body be enough, And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" % Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 'Advanced Systems Development' group! % Boy, life takes a long time to live. -- Steven Wright % Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. % Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! % Boycott meat - suck your thumb. % Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber % Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard % Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, which is all the time. -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" % Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" % Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. % Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" % Brain fried -- core dumped % Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in Multics, adj.: Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, because he/she should have known better. Calling something brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. % Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and kept going, sliding safely into third base. With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" % Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. -- Charles Lamb % Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. -- Randy Goebel % Break into jail and claim police brutality. % Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Breathe deep the gathering gloom. Watch lights fade from every room. Bed-sitter people look back and lament; another day's useless energies spent. Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. Lonely man cries for love and has none. New mother picks up and suckles her son. Senior citizens wish they were young. Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; Removes the colors from our sight. Red is grey and yellow white. But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" % Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. % Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Bridge ahead. Pay troll. % Briefcase, n.: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. % Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. -- A. Benjamin % Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; i borogovi eran tutti mimanti e la moma radeva fuorigraba. "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". -- "The Jabberwock" % Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. % Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. -- Jonathan Swift % British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. -- Peter Ustinov % British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. % Brogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus. % Brokee, n.: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. % Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. -- Thomas K. Connellan % Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. % Brooks' Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later % Brucify, v.: 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, {frustrate}] 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification (of one of the two other meanings). The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for reviews just done in his spirit. % BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. B: What power? BS: The power of voodoo. B: Voodoo? BS: You do. B: Do what? BS: Remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power... -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" % Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". % Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. % Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. % Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray Simard % Bug, n.: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. % Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. Cheatham % BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" % Bumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture. % Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. % Burbulation, v.: The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made. % Bureaucracy, n.: A method for transforming energy into solid waste. % Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe % Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. % Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. % Burke's Postulates: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. % Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. -- Robert Burns % Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. -- Ken Weaver % Bus error -- driver executed. % Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. % Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! % Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari % Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge % But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! % But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws. % But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" % But has any little atom, While a-sittin' and a-splittin', Ever stopped to think or CARE That E = m c**2 ? % But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat. -- Raoul Duke % But I don't like Spam!!!! % "But I don't want to go on the cart..." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" "But I'm feeling much better..." "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" % But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down. -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" % But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" % But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" % But it does move! -- Galileo Galilei % But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! % But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, In proving foresight may be vain: The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain For promised joy. -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 % But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! % But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! % But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station. % But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire Belloc % But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. % But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? -- M. Proust % But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery -- go! -- Mark "The Bard" Twain % But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years. % But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes? % But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers? % But you shall not escape my iambics. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus % But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" % Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; Less dear than army ants in apple pies Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose They suck, and like the double-breasted suit Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. % Buzzword, n.: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. % By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. % By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. % By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April Fool's column. % By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- Confucius % By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] % By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon % By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry" ... -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" % By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" % By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch. % By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain % By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost % BYOB, v.: Believing Your Own Bull % Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _t_h_e_r_e. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff. % Byte your tongue. % C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!! % C for yourself. % C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. % C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup % C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard % Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 % Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. % California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. -- Fred Allen % California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran % Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee. % Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb % Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled damnation. -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the Life of Hall" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to logical names.] % Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, Calm down, and speak to me in English, Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. % Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" % Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth % Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. -- Clarence Darrow % Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. % Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. % Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston % Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? % Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. % "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer? No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community." -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial) % Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. -- Robert J. Ringer % Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. % Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post % Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % CANCER (June 21 - July 22) This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough when you're poor and unhappy. % CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. % Canonical, adj.: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" Stallman: "What did he say?" Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." % Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" % Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. % Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. % Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. -- John Maynard Keynes % CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. % CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. % CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they tend to take root and become trees. % Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. % Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... % Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. % Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match. % Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly. -- Jim Canrey % Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. % Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Carson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. % Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. % Carswell's Corollary: Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. % Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. % Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. -- The Beach Boys % Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. -- Howard Chaykin % Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. % Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. -- Garrison Keillor % Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow. % Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. % Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" % Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. % Caution: Keep out of reach of children. % CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. % CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... % Cecil, you're my final hope Of finding out the true Straight Dope For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat But none of my cats are at all like that. This unusual animal (so it is said) Is simultaneously alive and dead! What I don't understand is just why he Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. My future now hangs in between eigenstates. In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, Then I will *_a_n_d* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams % Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. % Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. -- Kelvin Throop III % Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? % Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. % Cerebral atrophy, n.: The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. Cerebral darwinism, n.: The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. % Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" % Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973 % Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" % Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash % C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! % C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] % CF&C stole it, fair and square. -- Tim Hahn % Chairman of the Bored. % Chamberlain's Laws: 1: The big guys always win. 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. % Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. -- Anatole France % Change your thoughts and you change your world. % Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. -- Kathleen Norris % Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. % Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human race in general. % Character density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office. % Character is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John Whorfin % Charity begins at home. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) % Charity, n.: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. % Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? Linus: To make others happy. Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? % Charlie was a chemist, But Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. % Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked any clear question. % Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. % Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! % Checkuary, n.: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. % Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. % Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" % Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French. % Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need. % Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. % Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. % Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. % Chemistry is applied theology. -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III % Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. % Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. % Chess tonight. % Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. % Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! % Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 % Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 % Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" % Chicken Little only has to be right once. % Chicken Little was right. % Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm. % Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. % Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. % Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones % Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash % Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. -- Oscar Wilde % Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. % Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" % Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." % Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. % Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. % Chivalry, Schmivalry! Roger the thief has a method he uses for sneaky attacks: Folks who are reading are Characteristically Always Forgetting to Guard their own bac ... % Chocolate Chip. % Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man. -- Joubert % Chorus: Grandma got run over by a reindeer, Walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go. But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, And incriminating claus-marks on her Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. He's been taking this so well. See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! They should never give a license, To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves! -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" % Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. % Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. % Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. -- George Bernard Shaw % Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. Angels We Have Heard On High, Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... Driving his reindeer across the sky, Don't stand underneath when they fly by! -- Tom Lehrer % Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. % Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. % Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. -- Herodotus % Civilization and profits go hand in hand. -- Calvin Coolidge % Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. % Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain % Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. -- Samuel Johnson % Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. % Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. -- "Bugsy" Siegel % Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're leading the parade. -- Bill Battie % Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" % Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. % Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller % Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'Rourke % CLEVELAND: Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements. % Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. % Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. % Climate and Surgery R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 % Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" "Well, yes, I am." "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, please?" it asked the bartender. The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot." % Clone, n.: 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product." % Clones are people two. % Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. % Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain % Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. % Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. -- Cheers, No Help Wanted Coach: How about a beer, Norm? Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. -- Cheers, No Help Wanted Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights % Coach: How's it going, Norm? Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences Sam: What's up, Norm? Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action Coach: What's the story, Norm? Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. -- Cheers, Endless Slumper % Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Daddy wuvs you. -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail Sam: What'd you like, Normie? Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man Sam: What will you have, Norm? Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner % Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights Coach: What's shaking, Norm? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. -- Cheers, Snow Job Coach: Beer, Normie? Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young. -- Cheers, Snow Job % COBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. % COBOL: Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. % COBOL is for morons. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. % Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. % Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. % Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. -- Blair Houghton % Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse. % Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. % Coincidence, n.: You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was going on. % Coincidences are spiritual puns. -- G. K. Chesterton % Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. % Cold hands, no gloves. % Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. % Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. % COLLEGE: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. % College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. -- H. L. Mencken % COLORADO: Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. % Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. % Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" % Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. % Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring Your winter garment of repentance fling. The bird of time has but a little way To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. -- Omar Khayyam % Come home America. -- George McGovern, 1972 % Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 % Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to _n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % Come live with me, and be my love, And we will some new pleasures prove Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, With silken lines, and silver hooks. -- John Donne % Come live with me and be my love, And we will some new pleasures prove Of golden sands and crystal brooks With silken lines, and silver hooks. There's nothing that I wouldn't do If you would be my POSSLQ. You live with me, and I with you, And you will be my POSSLQ. I'll be your friend and so much more; That's what a POSSLQ is for. And everything we will confess; Yes, even to the IRS. Some day on what we both may earn, Perhaps we'll file a joint return. You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; You'll share my life - up to a point! And that you'll be so glad to do, Because you'll be my POSSLQ. % Come, muse, let us sing of rats! -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) % Come quickly, I am tasting stars! -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne % Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse That no compunctious visiting of nature Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, To cry `Hold, hold!' -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" % Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. % Coming to Stores Near You: 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing I'm Not Misbehaving And A Whole Lot More... % Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success. % Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. % Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. % Committee, n.: A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen % Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. % Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. % Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James % Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. -- Josh Billings % Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein % Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. -- Rene Descartes, 1637 % Commoner's three laws of ecology: 1) No action is without side-effects. 2) Nothing ever goes away. 3) There is no free lunch. % Communicate! It can't make things any worse. % Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." -- David Guaspari % Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. -- Dan Klein % COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. -- J. N. Gray % Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough. -- Gene Scott % COMPLEX SYSTEM: One with real problems and imaginary profits. % COMPLIMENT: When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. % Compuberty, n.: The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files. % COMPUTER: An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. % Computer programmers do it byte by byte. % Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. % Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. % COMPUTER SCIENCE: 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. % Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance -- Jim Horning % Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. % Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb % Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso % Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. % Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them. The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!" -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008) % Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.) % Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost. % Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld % Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. % Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" % Condense soup, not books! % CONFERENCE: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do. % Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. -- Josh Billings % Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. % Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries % Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar % Confidant, confidante, n.: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face. -- Dr. L. Binder % Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. % CONFIRMED BACHELOR: A man who goes through life without a hitch. % Conflicting research paradigms Have legitimized various crimes. The worst we can see Is in psychology, Measuring reaction times. % Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. % Confucius say too damn much! % Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb % Confusion will be my epitaph as I walk a cracked and broken path If we make it we can all sit back and laugh but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" % Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask! % Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" % Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award. % Congratulations! Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it left. -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain nameless to the development team after releasing the second version of their product. % Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Mathematician's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all odd numbers are prime. Physicist's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Engineer's Proof: 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... Computer Scientist's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... % Connector Conspiracy, n.: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices. % Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. % Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and governing that is hard. -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan % Conscience doth make cowards of us all. -- William Shakespeare % Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken % Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great. % Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" % Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. % Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't. % CONSENT DECREE: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place. % Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] % Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten % Conservative, n.: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... -- Professor in the UCB physics department % Consider the following axioms carefully: "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". % Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. -- Titus Maccius Plautus % Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. -- Josh Billings % CONSULTANT: (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel. % CONSULTANT: An ordinary man a long way from home. % CONSULTANT: [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet. % CONSULTANT: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. % Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. % CONSULTATION: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." % Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. % "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. % Convention is the ruler of all. -- Pindar % Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. % Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. % Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. % Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up. -- Raymond Chandler % COPYING MACHINE: A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them. % Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Correction does much, but encouragement does more. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. % Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism. -- Walter Lippmann % Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan % Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations. % Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention being easier to stake. % Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. -- Glaser and Way % Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. -- Tom Lehrer % Courage is fear that has said its prayers. % Courage is grace under pressure. % Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. -- Mark Twain % Courage is your greatest present need. % Court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train % Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. -- William Congreve % Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun % Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! % Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference between adequacy and excellence. % Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt % Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. % Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. % Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. -- James Blish % CREDITOR: A man who has a better memory than a debtor. % Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties. % Crime does not pay... as well as politics. -- A. E. Neuman % Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. -- Zeuxis % Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. -- Brendan Behan % Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last words % Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? % Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office. % Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. -- Madonna % Cruickshank's Law of Committees: If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it. % Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! % Crush! Kill! Destroy! % Cthulhu Cthucks! % Cthulhu for President! (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) % Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. % Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. % Cure the disease and kill the patient. -- Francis Bacon % CURSOR: One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russon % Cursor address, n.: "Hello, cursor!" -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field environment. The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still with us. MOZ DONG n. Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % Custer committed Siouxicide. % Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. -- Gerry Youghkins If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people don't like it. -- Gerry Youghkins % Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. % Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. -- Johnny Hart % Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Cynic, n.: Experienced. % Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. % Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -- Jack Handey % Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser, though? <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing it lacks is a decent editor % DALLAS: The city that chose Astroturf to keep the cheerleaders from grazing. % Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. % Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. % Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! % Damn braces. -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" % Damn, I need a Coke! -- Dr. William DeVries [after implanting the first artificial human heart] % DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! % Dare to be naive. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % Dark and lonely on a summer night Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. The watchdog barkin' Do he bite? Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck Got no reason, What the heck? Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. C-I-L-L my landlord! -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL % Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. -- Oliver Herford % Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! -- Princess Leia Organa % Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. % DATA: An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. % DATA: Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. % Data is not information; Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not wisdom; -- Gary Flake % Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." % David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" * Hourly motel rates * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here * Didn't just give up right away during World War II like some countries we could mention * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies * Our well-behaved golf professionals * Fabulous babes coast to coast % David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 % Davis' Law of Traffic Density: The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. % Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. % Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. % %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears % DEADWOOD: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. % Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. % Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. -- C. N. Parkinson % Dear Emily: How can I choose what groups to post in? -- Confused Dear Confused: Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in the fringe groups. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to summarize. What should I do? -- Editor Dear Editor: Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when summarizing a vote. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." What should I do? -- Doubtful Dear Doubtful: Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by mail. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I do? -- Angry Dear Angry: Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? -- A Concerned Citizen Dear Concerned: Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net society. Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- they are always interested in good stories. % Dear Emily: I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted to. How about an example? -- Still Confused Dear Still: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc. The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. What should I do? -- Forgetful Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here it is." Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more about the signature anyway. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Emily, what about test messages? -- Concerned Dear Concerned: It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth by all USEnauts. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Dear Freshman, You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. % Dear Lord: I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again. % Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. % Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. % Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ... % Dear Miss Manners: I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my umbrella without seeming insulting? Gentle Reader: Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection before making your attack. % Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" % Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? -- Eager Beaver Dear Eager: No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm posting it. All others please ignore." This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, so post it as many places as you can. -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette % Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast. % Death comes on every passing breeze, He lurks in every flower; Each season has its own disease, Its peril -- every hour. -- Reginald Heber % Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. % Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck % Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. % Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis % Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. % Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. % Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. % Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. % Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! % Death to all fanatics! % DEATH WISH: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. % Debug is human, de-fix divine. % Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum % DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. -- Mel Ferentz % Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. erra, n: A mistake. faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. Linder, n: A female name. memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the season is when the Knicks quit playing. -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary % Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. % Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. % Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" % Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. -- C. Schultz % "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis % DEFAULT: The hardware's, of course. % Default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman % #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word % Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: Hardware is what you kick; Software is what you curse. % Deflector shields just came on, Captain. % (defun NF (a c) (cond ((null c) () ) ((atom (car c)) (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) (nf a (cddr c)))) (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) (cond ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) (lessp challenging 7)) () ) (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) (car 2 caadr 4))) (list '851-5071x2661))))) ;;; We are an affirmative action employer. % DEJA VU: French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time. % Delay is preferable to error. -- Thomas Jefferson % Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to I/O system services.] % Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman % Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. % Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. % Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland. % Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw % Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper % Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- George Bernard Shaw % Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. % Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken % Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. -- Jawaharlal Nehru % Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 % Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. White % Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 % Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston Churchill % Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn. % Democracy, n.: In which you say what you like and do what you're told. -- Gerald Barry The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting. -- Charles Bukowski % Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats. -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" % Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. % Dental health is next to mental health. % Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Denver, n.: A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado. % Depart in pieces, i.e., split. % Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. % Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. % Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. -- R. E. Shay % Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. % Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. % Design, v.: What you regret not doing later on. % Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell. % Despising machines to a man, The Luddites joined up with the Klan, And ride out by night In a sheeting of white To lynch all the robots they can. -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson % Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. % Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. -- The Anarchist Cookbook % Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" % Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. % DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. % Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. -- L. Ron Hubbard % Dibble's First Law of Sociology: Some do, some don't. % Did I say 2? I lied. % Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? % Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born? -- Benny Hill % Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy % Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? % Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? % Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! % Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship the number zero? Is nothing sacred? % Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them? % Did you know? EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE KILLED Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" % Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. % Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? -- P. J. Plauger % Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? % Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things? % Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel." -- ihuxw!tommyo % Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book? % Didja' ever have to make up your mind, Pick up on one and leave the other behind, It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, Didja' ever have to make up your mind? -- Lovin' Spoonful % Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa? % Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -- John Barrymore's dying words % Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard % Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 % Dieters live life in the fasting lane. % Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. % Digital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don Vonada % Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy Mengot % Dime is money. % Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. % Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. % Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 1 carton milk % Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. % Diogenes, having abandoned his search for truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. % Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked him, after a few days. "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." % Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. -- Sir Humphrey Appleby % Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vare % Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin % Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour % Diplomacy, n.: Lying in state. % Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 1: Get elected. 2: Get re-elected. 3: Don't get mad, get even. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen % Disbar, n.: As distinguished from some other bar. % Disc space -- the final frontier! % Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) % Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too." -- Dave Haynie % DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. % Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. % Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. % Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. -- Chinese proverb % Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. -- Euripides % Disk crisis, please clean up! % Disks travel in packs. % Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. % Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture. % Distinctive, adj.: A different color or shape than our competitors. % Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle. % Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason. -- Lord Chesterfield % Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) % Divorce is a game played by lawyers. -- Cary Grant % Do clones have navels? % Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. -- Amy Gorin % Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? % Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. % Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? % Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. % Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. % Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- Aesop % Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide. -- Henry David Thoreau % Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw % Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. % Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -- Robert A. Heinlein % Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. % Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. % Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger. % Do not overtax your powers. % Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) % Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. -- Dag Hammarskjold % Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. % Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. % Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. % Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. -- Donald Kaul % Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. % Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies". -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" % Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. % Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. % Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. % Do, or do not; there is no try. % Do people know you have freckles everywhere? % Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. % Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? % Do unto others before they undo you. % Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. % Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. -- Aleister Crowley % Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. % Do you believe in intuition? No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. % Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? Have you ever eaten an entire moose? Can you see your neck? Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? If so, welcome to National Fat Week. This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. -- Garfield % Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? % Do you have lysdexia? % Do YOU have redeeming social value? % Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all. -- T. H. White % Do you know Montana? % Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. -- Pete Seeger % Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? -- Tobaben % Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House. -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 % Do you suffer painful elimination? -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" Do you suffer painful recrimination? -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" Do you suffer painful illumination? -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" Do you suffer painful hallucination? -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda % Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? % Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Steven Wright % Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? % Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement % Do your otters do the shimmy? Do they like to shake their tails? Do your wombats sleep in tophats? Is your garden full of snails? % Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. % Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. % Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. % Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon % Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. % Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? Does a good father allow a single child to starve? Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? % Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? % Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people and the rest of us. % Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. % Doing gets it done. % Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" % Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. % Don't abandon hope. Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. % Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may have got him. % Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. % Don't be humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir % Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. % Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. % Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. % Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote than I have to. -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy % Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment % Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. % Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves. % Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! % Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! -- The Firesign Theatre % Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. % Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. -- Josh Billings % Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. -- Lt. Col. Ollie North % Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. % Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard % Don't eat yellow snow. % Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. % Don't everyone thank me at once! -- Han Solo % Don't expect people to keep in step-- it's hard enough just staying in line. % Don't feed the bats tonight. % Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony % Don't get even, get odd. % Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy Don't get even, get jewelry. -- Anonymous % Don't get mad, get interest. % Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. % Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer % Don't get to bragging. % "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -- Mark Twain % Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. % Don't go to bed with no price on your head. -- Baretta % Don't guess - check your security regulations. % Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. % Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. % Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. % Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. % Don't I know you? % Don't interfere with the stranger's style. % Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs % Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. % Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. % Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. % Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. Probably soon after she throws me out. % Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else. -- First Rule of Wing Walking % Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... remember, if you don't follow your dreams, you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" % Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. % Don't let your status become too quo! % Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. % Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. % Don't lose Your head To gain a minute You need your head Your brains are in it. -- Burma Shave % Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. % Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish proverb % Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. % Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it. -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" % Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. % Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. % Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. -- Miguel de Cervantes % Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. % Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. % Don't read everything you believe. % Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. % Don't remember what you can infer. -- Harry Tennant % Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. -- Darryl F. Zanuck % Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. % Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. % Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. % Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! % Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose Bierce % Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. % Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! -- "Brazil" % Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. -- P. Skelly % Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft % Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. % Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt Kelly % Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. -- Winston Churchill % Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. % Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling % Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!! % Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. -- Watchman Examiner % Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. % Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. -- Lazarus Long % Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. -- Zaphod Beeblebrox % Don't vote - it only encourages them! % Don't wake me up too soon... Gonna take a ride across the moon... You and me. % Don't worry. Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. % Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. % Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac % Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken % Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz % Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba % Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. % Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. % Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. % Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? % Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you could agree with each other? % Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? % Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they? -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" % Double! % Double-blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. % Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. -- Voltaire % Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich, German theologian % Down to the Banana Republics, Down to the tropical sun. Go the expatriated Americans, Hoping to find some fun. Some of them go for the sailing, Caught by the lure of the sea. Trying to find what is ailing, Living in the land of the free. Some of them are running from lovers, Leaving no forward address. Some of them are running tons of ganja, Some are running from the IRS. Late at night you will find them, In the cheap hotels and bars. Hustling the senoritas, While they dance beneath the stars. -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" % Down with the categorical imperative! % Dow's Law: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. % Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to kill him. -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" % Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added luxury that you never feel hungry. Here's how the diet works: FOODS ALLOWED First Month: One egg Second Month: A raisin Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. % Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. % Dr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume? % Drakenberg's Discovery: If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on. % Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. % Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. % Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. % Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. % Drilling for oil is boring. % Drink and dance and laugh and lie Love, the reeling midnight through For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" % Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_i_s* fun trying. % Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for instant motor skills. -- Marc Price % Drinking is not a spectator sport. -- Jim Brosnan % Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. -- Robert Benchley % Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" % Drive defensively, buy a tank. % Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the brush after them. % Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" % Drop that pickle! % DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! -- The Adventurer % Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. -- The Adventurer % Drug, n.: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. % Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! % Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker. -- Karyl Roosevelt % Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. % Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. % Duckies are fun! % Ducks? What ducks?? % Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig % Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. % Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. % Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued. % Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. % During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. -- James Madison % During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o % During the Reagan-Mondale debates: Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to perform as president?" Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and inexperience." % During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly. % Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" % Duty, n.: What one expects from others. -- Oscar Wilde % Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words % Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed % Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen % E = MC ** 2 +- 3db % E Pluribus UNIX. % Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. % Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. -- Kernighan % Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 % Each of us bears his own Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. % Each person has the right to take the subway. % Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) % EARL GREY PROFILES NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese AGE: 94 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector EYES: Grey SKIN: Tanned HAIR: Not much LAST MAGAZINE READ: Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. % Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft: "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the pilot if he touches anything. -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 % Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. % Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber % Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. % Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. % /earth: file system full. % /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. % Earth is a beta site. % Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner % Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein % Easy come and easy go, some call me easy money, Sometimes life is full of laughs, and sometimes it ain't funny You may think that I'm a fool and sometimes that is true, But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, with or without you. -- Hoyt Axton % Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. -- Harry Secombe's diet % Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. % Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. % Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. % Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. % Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] % Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. % Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. % Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. % Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith % Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations. % Economist, n.: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant. % Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert Orben % Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. -- Edgar R. Fiedler % Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred Allen % Editing is a rewording activity. % Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 % Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" % Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -- Daniel J. Boorstin % Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irwin Edman % Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. -- B. F. Skinner % Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! -- Bullwinkle J. Moose % Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs... % Ego sum ens omnipotens % Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks % Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. % Egotism, n.: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. % Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 % Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better? % Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star % ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada. -- Nabokov % Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. % Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx' last words % Elbonics, v.: The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Hacker MacKensie Writing the code for a program that no one will run It's nearly done Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. What does he care? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Ah, look at all the lonely users. Ah, look at all the lonely users. % ELECTRIC JELL-O 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til fully dissolved. Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for the faint of heart. Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) Cut into squares and enjoy! WARNING: Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for children under eight years of age. % Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. % Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. % Elegance and truth are inversely related. -- Becker's Razor % Elephant, n.: A mouse built to government specifications. % Elevators smell different to midgets. % Eleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. % Eli and Bessie went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" Half asleep, Eli murmured, "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" % Elliptic paraboloids for sale. % Elliptical, n.: The feel of a kiss. % Eloquence is logic on fire. % Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. % Emacs, n.: A slow-moving parody of a text editor. % Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. % Encyclopedia for sale by father. Son knows everything. % Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary % Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning Endless the quest; I turn again, back to my own beginning, And here, find rest. % Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" % Engineering: "How will this work?" Science: "Why will this work?" Management: "When will this work?" Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" % English literature's performing flea. -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse % Engram, n.: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that time.] -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. % Enhance, v.: To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. % Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. % Enjoy yourself while you're still old. % Entrepreneur, n.: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. % Entropy isn't what it used to be. % Entropy requires no maintenance. -- Markoff Chaney % Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. -- Onasander % Envy, n.: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one. % Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin % Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. % Equal bytes for women. % Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader % Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me." % Error in operator: add beer % Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % Eschew obfuscation. % Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 % E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) % Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen % Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? -- Tom Stoppard % Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste. % Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen % Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" % Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed over roulette. -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" % Eureka! -- Archimedes % Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. % Even a cabbage may look at a king. % Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. % Even a man who is pure at heart, And says his prayers at night Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, And the moon is full and bright. -- The Wolf Man, 1941 % Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander % Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow % Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. -- Aristophanes % Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers % Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; And that I knew, though not the day and hour. Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." I only hoped, with the mild hope of all Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, A fairer summer and a later fall Than in these parts a man is apt to see, And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: I tell you this across the blackened vine. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 % Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. % Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. % Events are not affected, they develop. -- Sri Aurobindo % Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? % Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? % Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich Little % Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? % Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? Simple coincidence? Maybe... % Ever Onward! Ever Onward! That's the sprit that has brought us fame. We're big but bigger we will be, We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity Has been our aim. Our products now are known in every zone. Our reputation sparkles like a gem. We've fought our way thru And new fields we're sure to conquer, too For the Ever Onward IBM! -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook % Ever Onward! Ever Onward! We're bound for the top to never fall, Right here and now we thankfully Pledge sincerest loyalty To the corporation that's the best of all Our leaders we revere and while we're here, Let's show the world just what we think of them! So let us sing men -- Sing men Once or twice, then sing again For the Ever Onward IBM! -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook % Ever since I was a young boy, I've hacked the ARPA net, From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Sure sends a mean packet. He's a UNIX wizard, There has to be a twist. The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, I don't know. Types by sense of smell, What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, The proper bit flags set, That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Sure sends a mean packet. -- UNIX Wizard % Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ..." -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" % Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? % Ever wonder why fire engines are red? Because newspapers are read too. Two and Two is four. Four and four is eight. Eight and four is twelve. There are twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary was a ship. Ships sail the sea. There are fishes in the sea. Fishes have fins. The Fins fought the Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are always rush'n. Therefore fire engines are red. % Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in question." [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] % Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. % Every cloud engenders not a storm. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium. % Every country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De Maistre % Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. % Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. % Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -- Lenny Bruce % Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. % Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. % Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits. -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet % Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 % Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. % Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby % Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. % Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada % Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" % Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. % Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 % Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes % Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. -- Schopenhauer % Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is. -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" % Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William % Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. -- Barrie % Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. -- Robert Orben % Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes up, you'd better be running. % Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. % Every night my prayers I say, And get my dinner every day; And every day that I've been good, I get an orange after food. The child that is not clean and neat, With lots of toys and things to eat, He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- Or else his dear papa is poor. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. % Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" % Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't. When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! % Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. -- Morris Kline % Every path has its puddle. % Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. % Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. % Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. % Every silver lining has a cloud around it. % Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk. -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. % Every solution breeds new problems. % Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. % Every suicide is a solution to a problem. -- Jean Baechler % Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. % Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! % Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. % Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window. % Every why hath a wherefore. -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" % Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett % Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one. -- Jack Hurley % Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. Finally the company president called Sam into his office. "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, you're fired. As of right now." Sam signed the papers immediately. "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you couldn't have signed earlier?" "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so clearly before." % Everybody has something to conceal. -- Humphrey Bogart % Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. % Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog just died. Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates and long stem rose. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" % Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. -- Arthur Miller % Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! % Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. % Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. % Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. % Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. % Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. % Everyone is entitled to my opinion. % Everyone is in the best seat. -- John Cage % Everyone is more or less mad on one point. -- Rudyard Kipling % Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _d_o_e_s anything about it. % Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them. -- Dirty Harry % Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it. % Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 1. They want it quick. 2. They want it good. 3. They want it cheap. I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company % Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. % Everything bows to success, even grammar. % Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". % Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. % Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott % Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul % Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. % Everything is possible. Pass the word. -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" % Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar Bergman % Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about something you know. -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List % Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had been different in the past. % Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. % Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein % Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. -- Erwin Tomash % Everything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 % Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. % Everything will be just tickety-boo today. % Everything you know is wrong! % Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin Knoll % Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % Everything's great in this good old world; (This is the stuff they can always use.) God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; (This will provide for baby's shoes.) Hunger and War do not mean a thing; Everything's rosy where'er we roam; Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! (This is what fetches the bacon home.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" % Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. -- Flannery O'Connor % Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, Everyone is looking for the answer, Well look again. -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" % Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. -- H. L. Mencken % Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident. % Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with respect to theories about how the process operates. -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" % Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. -- C. C. Colton % Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. -- Albert Schweitzer % Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. % Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. % Excellent day to have a rotten day. % Excellent time to become a missing person. % Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller % Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." % Excerpt from a DEC field service document: .... - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands. % Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham % Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. % Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. % Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. -- Marcus Aurelius % Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. -- John G. Pollard % Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. % Exercise caution in your daily affairs. % Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it. % Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. % Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. % Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. % Expedience is the best teacher. % Expense accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. % Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" % Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. -- Aldous Huxley % Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- Franklin P. Jones % Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. % Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. % Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. % Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" % Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. % Expert, n.: Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. % External Security: % Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. % Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves offer more plausible alternatives. -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi Phenomena". % Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" % Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue. -- Barry Goldwater % F: When into a room I plunge, I Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. Then I linger, darkly brooding On the poison they're exuding. -- The Roguelet's ABC % F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway: "Ernest, the rich are different from us." Hemingway: "Yes. They have more money." % f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. % f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. % F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! % f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. % FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; % Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. % Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. -- Sven Italla % Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. % Facts are the enemy of truth. -- Don Quixote % Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley % Failed Attempts To Break Records In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and doesn't even shout at me." In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. "People complained I was too noisy," he said. In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my drone got waterlogged," he said. A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. % Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. -- Sir Walter Raleigh % Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. % Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. % Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is the doubt that moved all the mountains. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. % Faith is under the left nipple. -- Martin Luther % Faith, n.: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. % Fakir, n.: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. % Falling in Love When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with your doctor. -- Dave Barry % Falling in love is a lot like dying. You never get to do it enough to become good at it. % Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" % Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. -- Mark Twain % Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. -- Marlo Thomas % Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. % Familiarity breeds attempt. % Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twain % Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o % Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Famous last words: % Famous last words: 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 4. We won't need reservations. 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 8. Don't worry! Women love it! % Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. -- George Santayana % Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus was the Empire forged. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. % Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce. -- Wall Street Journal % Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde % Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. -- Victor Hugo % Fast, cheap, good: pick two. % Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? -- Han Solo % Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! -- Bill Cosby % Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. % Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! % Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? % Fats Loves Madelyn. % Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. -- Joe Orton, "Loot" % FEAR: What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. % Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. -- Hunter S. Thompson % Fear is the greatest salesman. -- Robert Klein % Feature, n.: A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. % Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged. % Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here! % Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, it's Microsoft!" % Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, A singular development of cat communications That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" % Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add yours to the bottom of the list. Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! % Female rabbits: The gift that just "keeps on giving." % Fenderberg, n.: The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." % Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. % Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the basic difference between robots and humans? Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" % Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- Mark Twain % Fidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. % Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island" % Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. % Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. % Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet. % Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. % File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. % Filibuster, n.: Throwing your wait around. % Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth % Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. % Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Ninth Law: No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. Finagle's Tenth Law: No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it. Finagle's Eleventh Law: No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. % Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. Finagle's Second Law: Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Fifth Law: Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. % Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. % Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. % Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. % Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it. % Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 % Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. % Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. % Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. % Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt. % Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: P.O. Box 35 Baffled Greek, Michigan % Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. % First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered. -- Pat Taber % First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. % First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. % First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). % First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. % First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" % First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. % First rule of public speaking. First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; then tell 'em; then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. % First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat. It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth. There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub. But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths. -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 % First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" % "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of trees to prove their manhood. -- Dave Barry % Fishbowl, n.: A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation. % Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy Cannon % Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth % Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, Yes, I'm goin' insane, And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... You fellah, you tearin' up the street, You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, Yes, and goin' insane, You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? (chorus) -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" % Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and Irish Political History". % Five rules for eternal misery: 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with how much better things might have been or how much worse things might become). 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to follow the first four rules. % Flame on! -- Johnny Storm % Flannister, n.: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the m"obius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. % FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ... % Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. -- Josh Billings % Flattery will get you everywhere. % Flee at once, all is discovered. % Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. -- Helen Rowland % Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. % Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" % Flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. % Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... % Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. % Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes. Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies. % Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". % Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored. -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, commenting on rumors of womanizing. % Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" % Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment. % Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. % Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? % Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" % Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. -- Jimmy Breslin % For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... % For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 % For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. % For a light heart lives long. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" % For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. % For adult education nothing beats children. % For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" % For an adequate time call 555-3321. % For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. % For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidal % For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. % For courage mounteth with occasion. -- William Shakespeare, "King John" % For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy Capp % For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken % For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton % For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- and it is always wrong. -- H. L. Mencken % For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 % For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. % For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. -- Quentin Crisp % For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. -- Alexander Pope % For gin, in cruel Sober truth, Supplies the fuel For flaming youth. -- Noel Coward % For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! % For good, return good. For evil, return justice. % For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) % For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! but with break of day I went to make supplication. -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. % For knighthood is not in the feats of war, As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, But in a cause which truth cannot defer: He ought himself for to make sure and strong, Just to keep mixt with mercy among: And no quarrel a knight ought to take But for a truth, or for the common's sake. -- Stephen Hawes % For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. % For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. -- Sir Thomas More % For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. -- Clifton Fadiman % For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright % For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast"). -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" % For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record forever. -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 % For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. % For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got. (2) Be sure you've got plenty. % FOR SALE: Parachute. Used once. Never opened. Slightly Stained. % For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. % For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. % For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether? -- Jehan Shuman % For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system overview.] % For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race. -- Harlan Ellison % For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. % For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to powerfail recovery.] % For they starve the frightened little child Till it weeps both night and day: And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, And gibe the old and grey, And some grow mad, and all grow bad, And none a word may say. Each narrow cell in which we dwell Is a foul and dark latrine, And the fetid breath of living Death Chokes up each grated screen, And all, but Lust, is turned to dust In Humanity's machine. And all men kill the thing they love, By all let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword. -- Oscar Wilde % For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to spend my evenings?" -- Chamfort % For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned protected species. Ingredients: 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 1 teaspoonful salt 8 oz. shredded suet 2 small onions 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for four to five hours. % For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln % For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson % For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start religions. -- Brian McGroarty % For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson % For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! % Force has no place where there is need of skill. -- Herodotus % "Force is but might," the teacher said-- "That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead, Remembering his pounded head: "Force is not might but must!" % Force it!!! If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. % FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! % Forecast, n.: A prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present. % Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. % Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. % Forgive and forget. -- Cervantes % Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! -- George Bernard Shaw % Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. -- Robert Frost % Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. -- John F. Kennedy % Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. % Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. % FORTH IF HONK THEN % FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. -- D. Gries [What's good about it? Ed.] % FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. -- Alan J. Perlis % FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. -- Steven Feiner % FORTRAN rots the brain. -- John McQuillin % FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 % [FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade. -- T. Cheatham % Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. % Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with the accepted body of scientific evidence. -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 215 % Fortune and love befriend the bold. -- Ovid % FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme. % FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 Q: Is God a myth? A: No, He's a mythter. % fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. % fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor party". David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 Shoes: The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. Making friends: A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a jerk, I guess you're OK." % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 Desserts: A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center. Car repair: The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be fixed without special tools". The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than the average man. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". Clothes: Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 Trust: The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. Driving: A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price their policies accordingly. A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth. Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 MONOPOLI: Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the Boardwalk property. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. With Julie Christie. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way into your heart. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 WITLESS: Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives a glowing performance. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for younger viewers. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable (if sometimes fatal) lesson. THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. % FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) % Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive as that in support of an affirmative. -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472 % Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless. -- 78 So. 365 % Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466 % FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 Skilled oral communicator: Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. Argues with self. Loses these arguments. Skilled written communicator: Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. Growth potential: With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. Key company figure: Serves as the perfect counter example. % FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 Consistent: Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. An excellent sounding board: Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. A planner and organizer: Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the animal tags on his clothing. % FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 Has management potential: Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department pencil monitor. Inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, go I.") Adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. Goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them. % Fortune favors the lucky. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." Juliet, this bud's for you. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? No, I guess not. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. % Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. % fortune: No such file or directory % fortune: not found % Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker renkontas. I've met. La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. % Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? % Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. ^cevalon. Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. % FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? % FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. % FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 % FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 % Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: ar t "God" drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) rm God man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) make "heads or tails of all this" who is smart (C shell) If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) % Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 % Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate" -- Roger Midnight % Fortune's current rates: Answers .10 Long answers .25 Answers requiring thought .50 Correct answers $1.00 Dumb looks are still free. % Fortune's diet truths: 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as appealing as tepid beer. 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and it isn't. 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and swallowing. % Fortune's Exercising Truths: 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as you twitter around in your chair. 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, followed by one throw-up. 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. % FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 Christmas Rum Cake 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until poothtick comes out crean. % Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat rather than a spotted one. Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a legume-part of the pea family. A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 Can you name the seven seas? Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, North Pacific, South Pacific. Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. % FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. % Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? % Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949: A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 What to do... if reality disappears? Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 What to do... if you get a phone call from Mars: Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. if he, she or it doesn't speak English? Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling. if you get a phone call from Jupiter? Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the charges may have been reversed. % FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 What to do... if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension? Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut. % Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. % Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. % Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization." Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record." % Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. % FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair. % Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No. % Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 3: When replying to one of your own memos. % FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 Never goose a wolverine. % FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. % Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. % Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" % Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors. -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar % Four hours to bury the cat? Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... % Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn % Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. % Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. % Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis % Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. % Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler % Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" % Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. -- A Yippie proverb % Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. % Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. % Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. -- Camus % Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. -- George Orwell % Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. % Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" % Fremen add life to spice! % Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. % Friction is a drag. % Fried's 1st Rule: Increased automation of clerical function invariably results in increased operational costs. % Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas Jones % Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway. % Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. % Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. -- Honore de Balzac % Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. % Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. % Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. % From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. -- Ad for the new VW Corrado % From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -- F. Kafka % From a Tru64 patch description: Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error % [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology Association, in Rome]: The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide. % From Italian tourist guide: "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." % From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. % From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. -- Bertolt Brecht % From the crystal swirling waters, Of the Rio Amazon, To the sacred halls of Bayonne, Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) From ev'ry hallowed venue, Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, Your butt is on the menu And the check is in the mail. -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" % From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" % [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. % From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and Italy celebrated on October 18." % From the Pointless Comparison Collection: To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are, if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to set off the flash bulb on your camera once. -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network systems program at JPL % From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector. % From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne % Fuch's Warning: If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel. % Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. % Fun experiments: Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. % Fun Facts, #14: In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. % Fun Facts, #63: The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 1510. % Function reject. % Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. % Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams % Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. % Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. % Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy." % Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. % Garbage In - Gospel Out. % Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix % Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow ... Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either. % GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. % GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. % Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Genealogy, n.: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % General notions are generally wrong. -- Lady M. W. Montagu % Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 % Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. % Generic Fortune. % Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. % Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. % GENIUS: Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people. % Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. -- Owen Meredith % Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. -- Thomas Alva Edison % Genius is pain. -- John Lennon % Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. % Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. % Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard % Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". % Genlock, n.: Why he stays in the bottle. % Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, London, 1812 % Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National Security Agency. % Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girl friend. % George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." % George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 % George Orwell was an optimist. % George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -- Ashley Cooper % George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're gonna get on Labor Day." % (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." % Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. % Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. % Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. -- Dylan Thomas % Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! % Getting into trouble is easy. -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser % Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out of the American Bar Association % Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done. % Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. % Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) Snatch them from their little housies (...) First we chase them 'round the field (...) Then we have them for a meal (...) Toss them here and catch them there (...) See them flying through the air (...) Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) Falling mice have great appeal (...) See the hunter stretched before us (...) He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) Of the blood of little critters (...) % Gilbert's Discovery: Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. % Gil-galad was an Elven-King of him the harpers sadly sing; the last whose realm was fair and free between the Mountains and the Sea. His sword was long, his lance was keen, his shining helm afar was seen; the countless stars of heaven's field were mirrored in his silver shield. But long ago he rode away, and where he dwelleth none can say; for into darkness fell his star in Mordor where the shadows are. % Ginger Snap % Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. % Ginsburg's Law: At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. % GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. % Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. -- Calvin Keegan % Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. % Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. % Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". % Give him an evasive answer. % Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. % Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. % Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. % Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine % Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. -- Napoleon % Give me libertines or give me meth. % Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. -- George Canning % Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! % Give me your students, your secretaries, Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. I lift my disk beside the processor. -- Inscription on a Word Processor % Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. % GIVE UP!!!! % Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. % Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough. % Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. -- William Faulkner % Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. -- John Gilmore % Given my druthers, I'd druther not. % Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself. % Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. -- Eric Clapton % Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke % Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 % Gleemites, n.: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. % Gloffing is a state of mine. % Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): fifth of dry red wine fifth of Aquavit 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 10 cardamom seeds 1 cup raisins 4 dried figs 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds a few pieces of dried orange peel 5 cloves 1/2 lb. sugar cubes Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish extraction. % Gnagloot, n.: A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Go ahead, make my day. -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan % Go away, I'm all right. -- H. G. Wells' last words % Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. logout % Go climb a gravity well. % Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. % Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides % Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" % Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their misfortunes. -- Chilo % Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you. % Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles. -- Andrew Jackson The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. -- Calvin Coolidge Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be secure which is not supported by moral habits. -- Daniel Webster % Go 'way! You're bothering me! % Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... -- Wally Shawn % GOD: Darwin's chief rival. % God created a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair. % God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. % God doesn't play dice. -- Albert Einstein % God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab proverb % "God gives burdens; also shoulders." Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. % God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher % God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect % God help those who do not help themselves. -- Wilson Mizner % God helps them that helps themselves. -- Benjamin Franklin % God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! % God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions. -- De Caussade % God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. % God is a polytheist. % God is Dead. -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead. -- God Nietzsche is God. -- The Dead % God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... -- Ralph Moonen % God is love, but get it in writing. -- Gypsy Rose Lee % God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. % God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! % God is real, unless declared integer. % God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso % God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry % God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. % God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. % God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery % God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. % God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. -- Mark Twain % God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker % God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. % God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein % God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. % God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. % God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus) (chorus) We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, They'll send without delay The network's also dead, A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. (chorus) (chorus) And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Before we go away, Comfort and joy, We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. Won't ruin your whole day. You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. (chorus) -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen % God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg % God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. % God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. % God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it. -- Austin O'Malley % God votes Republican. % God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. -- Samuel Butler % Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. % Going the speed of light is bad for your age. % Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. % Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. % Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts. % Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. % Gomme's Laws: (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. (2) Time accelerates. (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. % Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) -- by Margaret Mitchell A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) -- by O. Henry A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) -- by Ernest Hemingway An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) -- by Anne Frank A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. % Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. % Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rochefoucauld % Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. % Good day for business affairs. Make a pass at that the new file clerk. % Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. % Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. % Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. % Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. % Good day to let down old friends who need help. % Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. % Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. % Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. % Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" % "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. % Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. -- Jim Horning % Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. % Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. % Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. % Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. % Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. % Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! % Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. % Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. % Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R. E. Schenk % Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. -- Gail Godwin % Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words % Goodbye, cool world. % Gordon's first law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well. % Gordon's Law: If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. % Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell. -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara" % Gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl Wilson % //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH % Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 1-800-AUDITME % Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. % Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, I went out for a ride and never came back. Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Lay down your money and you play your part, Everybody's got a hungry heart. I met her in a Kingstown bar, We fell in love, I knew it had to end. We took what we had and we ripped it apart, Now here I am down in Kingstown again. Everybody needs a place to rest, Everybody wants to have a home. Don't make no difference what nobody says, Ain't nobody likes to be alone. -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" % Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. % Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard % Gourmet, n.: Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part. % Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. -- Lao Tsu % Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples" % Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies. % Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- The Best of Will Rogers % Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. % Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. -- Princess Leia Organa % Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. % Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. % Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. % Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke he exclaimed: "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] % Graphics blind the eyes. Audio files deafen the ear. Mouse clicks numb the fingers. Heuristics weaken the mind. Options wither the heart. The Guru observes the net but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is as open as the ether. % GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. % Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. -- Joseph Alsop % GRAVITY: What you get when you eat too much and too fast. % Gravity brings me down. % Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. % Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. % Great acts are made up of small deeds. -- Lao Tsu % Great American Axiom: Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. % Great minds run in great circles. % GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. % GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. % GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. % Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan % Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. % Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. % Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. % Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. % Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation of half of Common Lisp. % Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. % grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. % Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. -- Mark Twain % Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. % Grig (the navigator): ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space armada. Alex (the gunner): What?!? Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against overwhelming odds. Alex: It'll be a slaughter! Grig: That's the spirit! -- The Last Starfighter % Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. % Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. -- Johnny Carson % Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. -- Maurice Chevalier % Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the universe while straddling a giant worm. -- Arnold Klein % Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht % GUILLOTINE: A French chopping center. % Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. % Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. % Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence. (2) The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. % Gurmlish, n.: The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % GURU: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss. % Guru, n.: A computer owner who can read the manual. % Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary % H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, Slice him up before he slays you. Nothing makes you look a slob Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). -- The Roguelet's ABC % H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. -- Maxwell Bodenheim % H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] % Hacker, n.: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack". In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: Hacker's Fight Song He's a Hack! He's a Hack! He's a guy with the happy knack! Never bungles, never shirks, Always gets his stuff to work! All take a drink (important!) % Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers. % Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off the ceiling(3m). "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. % Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. % Hackers of the world, unite! % Hacker's Quicky #313: Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk % Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. % Had he and I but met By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, And killed him in his place. I shot him dead because -- Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps No other reason why. Yes; quaint and curious war is! You shoot a fellow down You'd treat, if met where any bar is Or help to half-a-crown. -- Thomas Hardy % Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. -- Alfonso the Wise [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to operating system initialization.] % Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. % Hail to the sun god He's such a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! % Hailing frequencies open, Captain. % Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" % Hale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. (b) Stationery. (c) Postage stamp. (d) The letter you are answering. % Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? % Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.) % Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. % Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. % Half-done, n.: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" % Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. % Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). % Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Handel's Proverb: You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! % Handshaking protocol, n.: A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. % Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. -- Pink Floyd % Hangover, n.: The wrath of grapes. % Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. % Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. % Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. % Happiness is a hard disk. % Happiness is a positive cash flow. % Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman % Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash % Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. % Happiness is the greatest good. % Happiness is twin floppies. % Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. % Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant % Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. % Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Happiness, n.: Finding the owner of a lost bikini. % Happy feast of the pig! % Happy is the child whose father died rich. % Hard, adj.: The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people. % Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel Dennett % Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? % Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Charlie McCarthy % Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. % Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens -- "The 13 Clocks" % Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Lehrer % Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. -- Tobias Smollet % Harp not on that string. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % Harriet's Dining Observation: In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. % Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George and I were waiting with our plates ready. "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help the gravy with." The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round again, Harris and the pie were gone! It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly theory. "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he hadn't been carving that pie." -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" % Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. % Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. % Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. % Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, waiting for the funeral to pass like that." Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, you know." % Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" % Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do with all that pep and vitality. % Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. % Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. My corollary: The completely psychotic have all the fun. % Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. % HARVARD: Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. Wide Receiver: The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of those times. YALE: Defense: On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening coin toss. -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game % Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? % Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. % Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" % Haste makes waste. -- John Heywood % Hatcheck girl: "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" Mae West: "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." -- "Night After Night", 1932 % Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. % Hate the sin and love the sinner. -- Mahatma Gandhi % Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. -- Mike Royko % Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Have a coke and a smile! -- John DeLorean % Have a nice day! % Have a nice diurnal anomaly. % Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. -- Mark Twain % Have a taco. -- P. S. Beagle % Have an adequate day. % Have at you! % Have no friends not equal to yourself. -- Confucius % Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs. Long live the revolution! Have a nice day. % Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. -- Albert Einstein % Have you ever felt like a wounded cow halfway between an oven and a pasture? walking in a trance toward a pregnant seventeen-year-old housewife's two-day-old cookbook? -- Richard Brautigan % Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to remain so. -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" % Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? % Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % Have you flogged your kid today? % Have you locked your file cabinet? % Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? % Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" % Have you reconsidered a computer career? % Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut! % Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. How can you tell me you're lonely, And say for you the sun don't shine? Let me take you by the hand Lead you through the streets of London I'll show you something to make you change your mind... Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. In our winter city the rain cries a little pity For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... % Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, Why don't you go where fashion sits, ... Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, Or umbrellas, in their mitts, Puttin' on the Ritz. ... If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, Why don't you go where fashion sits, Puttin' on the Ritz. Puttin' on the Ritz. Puttin' on the Ritz. Puttin' on the Ritz. % Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" % Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. % Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. -- Martin Mull % Having no talent is no longer enough. -- Gore Vidal % Having nothing, nothing can he lose. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. -- Socrates % Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!" % Hawkeye's Conclusion: It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus. % He: Do you like Kipling? She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! % He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" She: "What do you want me to yell?" -- Benny Hill % HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley % He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. -- Steven Wright % He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion. -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" % He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" % He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" % He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. -- Stephen Leacock % He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. % He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful. -- Sydney Smith % He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" % He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde % He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". -- Stig's Inferno % He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. -- Bion % He hath eaten me out of house and home. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" % He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. -- John LeCarre % He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words. % He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. % He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson % He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark Twain % He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- Mohammed % He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. % He jests at scars who never felt a wound. -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" % He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. % He knew the tavernes well in every toun. -- Geoffrey Chaucer % He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. -- Sir Richard Burton % He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. % He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardner % He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew Lang % He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain had fallen to the ground. -- The Book of Serenity % (He opens a tolm and begins.) It says: "In the beginning was the Word." Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. The Word does not deserve the highest prize, I must translate it otherwise. If I am well inspired and not blind. It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." Ponder that first line, wait and see, Lest you should write too hastily. Is the Mind the all-creating source? It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, That my translation must be changed again. The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. I write: "In the beginning was the Act." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" % [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. -- Peter Stack, movie review His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. -- John Stark, movie review % He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic % He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband % He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. -- Scottish proverb % He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. -- Benjamin Franklin % He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" % He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. -- Benjamin Franklin % He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. % He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." % He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." -- Eric Van Lustbader % [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set. -- Ring Lardner % He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. % He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." -- Jack Handey % He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. -- Jonathan Swift % He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable. % He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. % He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. % He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. % He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS % He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool. -- Albert Camus % He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. -- Honore de Balzac % He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. -- Sinbad % He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. % He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. % He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. % He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. % He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. % He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die. -- Giacomo Leopardi % He who hates vices hates mankind. % He who hesitates is a damned fool. -- Mae West % He who hesitates is last. % He who hesitates is sometimes saved. % He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. % He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. % He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. % He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. % He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. % He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't encounter many rivals. -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" % He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his senses until the day of judgment. -- Saadi % He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. % He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. -- Lao Tsu % He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. % He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that. % He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. -- Lao Tsu % He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. -- Lao Tsu % He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht % He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. % He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. % He who laughs last is probably your boss. % He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. % He who laughs, lasts. % He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. % He who loses, wins the race, And parallel lines meet in space. -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" % He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. -- Dr. Johnson % He who minds his own business is never unemployed. % He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. -- Sir Richard Burton % He who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai E. Stevenson % He who slings mud loses ground. -- Chinese proverb % He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. % He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. % He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. -- Sinbad % He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -- M. C. Escher % He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture. -- Julia Norton McCorkle % HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11. % Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. % Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -- Redd Foxx % Hear about... the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife? % Hear about... the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. % Hear about... the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? % Hear about... the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended up a chopped libber? % Hear about... the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication? % Hear about... the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space"? % Hear about... the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the typewriter's ribbon? % Hear about... the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? One fortunate cookie... % Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce % Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. % Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" % Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. -- Dr. John Lightfoot, Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University % Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 % Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. % Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! % Heisenberg may have been here. % Heisenberg may have slept here. % Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman % Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" % Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know you care? % Hell is empty and all the devils are here. -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" % Hell, n.: Truth seen too late. % Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. % Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. % Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you don't hear your girl screaming any more? Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! % "Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent % Hell's broken loose. -- Robert Greene % Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! % Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! % HELP! Man trapped in a human body! % HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS % Help a swallow land at Capistrano. % Help fight continental drift. % HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! % Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! % Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! % Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! % Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect. -- J. Austen % Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. % Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... % Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. % Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be I've been caught inside this trap too many times I must've walked these steps and said these words a thousand times before It seems like I know everybody's lines. -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" % Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. -- Peter Drucker % Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted. First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame. Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news? I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. % Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker % Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" % Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. % Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle % HERE LIES LESTER MOORE SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 NO LES NO MOORE -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ % Here lies my wife: her let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I. -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife % Here there by tygers. % HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'? -- Jay Leno % Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. % He's been like a father to me, He's the only DJ you can get after three, I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, And why he don't like me I don't understand. -- The Byrds % He's dead, Jim. % He's got the heart of a little child, and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. % He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... % He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. % He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. -- Phil Lapsley % He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. % He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. % Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. % Hewett's Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged. % Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! -- W. C. Fields % Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl To get a little more stack; If that's not enough then you lose it all And have to pop all the way back. % Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? % HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because these words were spoken. % Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? -- Gallagher % Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. % Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please leave your name and message after the beep... % Hi! How are things going? (just fine, thank you...) Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? (you just asked one...) Well, how about one more? (one more than the first one?) Yes. (you already asked that...) [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] May I ask two questions, sir? (no.) May I ask ONE then? (nope...) Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? (yes, you may.) Sir, how may I ask you a question? (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the next one) Sir, may I ask nine questions? (go right ahead...) % Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain." -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" % Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. You wanna help on the audit now? % Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. % Hickery Dickery Dock, The mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, The others escaped with minor injuries. % Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? WE CAN HELP! Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. % Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; We buried him today because As far as we can tell, he's dead. -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele % Higgledy Piggledy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." % Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a little of both. -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" % High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. % High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean- High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. All: Amen. -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" % HIGH TECHNOLOGY: A California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. % Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. % Hildebrant's Principle: If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there. % Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." Him: "Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." -- "The Jerk" % Hindsight is always 20:20. -- Billy Wilder % Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Hire the morally handicapped. % His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" % ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. -- Tommy % His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... % His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" % His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California. % His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. % His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. -- P. G. Wodehouse % His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. % His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn % His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. % Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day. -- Wayne Shannon % History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. % History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history of the Mexican revolution: "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed." % History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long % History is curious stuff You'd think by now we had enough Yet the fact remains I fear They make more of it every year. % History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. -- Leo Tolstoy % History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). % History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" % History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. % History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second time as bedroom farce. % History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. % History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" % Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. Pour my black old coffee longer, While that smell is gettin' stronger A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, If that coat'll fit you're wearin', The Lord'll bless your sharin' A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. And let me halfway fall in love, For part of a lonely night, With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. -- Elroy Blunt % Hitchcock's Staple Principle: The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something. % Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. % Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to exist in a more fundamental sense. % Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. % Hodie natus est radici frater. % Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. % Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. % HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- Take a shot every time: -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots if it's one of our heroes on the other end). -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). -- Lebeau wears his apron. -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the plan is impossible. -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. % Hollerith, v.: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. % Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed % Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! % HOLY MACRO! % Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" % Home is where the hurt is. % Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. -- George Bernard Shaw % Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. -- Chris Shaw % Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. % "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. -- Samuel Butler % Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- Plato % Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. % Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard % Honesty's the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes % Honeymoon, n.: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray C. Bandy % Honi soit la vache qui rit. % Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." % Honk if you love peace and quiet. % Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. -- Francis Bacon % Hope is a waking dream. -- Aristotle % Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. -- M. Horner % Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. % Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. -- Peanuts % Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. -- Moore % Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. % Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. % Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny % Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields % HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) % HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... % Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house. -- Mark Guido % Houdini escaping from New Jersey! % Household hint: If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. % Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck % Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil Armstrong % How apt the poor are to be proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" % How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? % How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? -- Schulz % How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulle % How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? -- Pink Floyd % How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state? -- Plato % How can you think and hit at the same time? -- Yogi Berra % How can you work when the system's so crowded? % How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? % How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you? % How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? % How come we never talk anymore? % How come wrong numbers are never busy? % How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? -- A. Cooper % How could they think women a recreation? Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. To ambergris. But not for recreation. I would not have lost so much for recreation. Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, and call and call forever till she turn from bird to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman in all her fresh particularity of difference. Then oh, through the underwater time of night indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. This I have done with my life, and am content. I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, standing in the huge singing and the alien world. -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" % How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. % How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." % How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) % How doth the VAX's C-compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear all their clothes to rags. % How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" % How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. % How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero % "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?" Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" % How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? % How many weeks are there in a light year? % How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey % How much does she love you? Less than you'll ever know. % How much for your women? I want to buy your daughter... how much for the little girl? -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" % How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? % How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? % How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. % How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" -- Linus Van Pelt % How to become a sysop: I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never worked a full day in my life since then. -- rho/slashdot % How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes % How untasteful can you get? % How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. % HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. % HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. % HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. % How you look depends on where you go. % Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. % However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. -- Tom K. Ryan % However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism." -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record % HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal % Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. % Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! Oh wait... I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. Never mind. % Huh? % Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. % Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. % Human kind cannot bear very much reality. -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" % Human resources are human first, and resources second. -- J. Garbers % Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -- Tom Robbins % Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. -- Alan Kay % Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. % Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. -- William Gilbert % Humorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody Allen % "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But oil!" -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" % Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! All the king's horses, And all the king's men, Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! % Humpty Dumpty was pushed. % Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uh..... % Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given time, turns into people. -- Harlow Shapley % I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. -- Norman Augustine % I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most. -- Bob Dylan % I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. -- John Hinckley % I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. -- Muhammad Ali % I allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I choose. % I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. -- Richard M. Nixon What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? -- Richard M. Nixon % I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" % I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. -- David Bowie % I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" % I always say beauty is only sin deep. -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" % I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. -- Chief Justice Earl Warren % I always wake up at the crack of ice. -- Joe E. Lewis % I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, And a cow. And a cow. The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: Two game wardens, seven hunters, And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" % I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book. % I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. % I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" % I am a deeply superficial person. -- Andy Warhol % I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one. -- Clarence Darrow % I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) % I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my computer to be running Win98. -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list % I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" % I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. -- Winston Churchill % I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go buy some more. -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM % I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others. -- Cesar Chavez % I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell % I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. -- Katharine Whitehorn % I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. -- Steven Wright % I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan % I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. -- Yul Brynner, 1956 % I am looking for a honest man. -- Diogenes the Cynic % I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. % I am NOMAD! % I am not a crook. -- Richard M. Nixon % I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. -- A. Ward % I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. -- William Allen White % I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! -- Paul McCracken % I am not now and never have been a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. -- Gloria Steinem % I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis M. Ritchie % I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it. -- English Professor % I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. -- Bill Cole % I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909) % I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" % I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill % I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University % I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy. % I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. % I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. % I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. -- John Donne % I am two with nature. -- Woody Allen % I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. -- Samuel Johnson % I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville % I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry % I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God. -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008) % I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures them completely, even molding the keypads. -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 % I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. % I B M U B M We all B M For I B M!!!! -- H.A.R.L.I.E. % I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner % I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only with time. -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" % I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash % I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him. -- John F. Kennedy % I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton % I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. -- Woody Allen % I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed. -- Frank Deford, sports writer % I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. -- Salvador Dali % I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers % I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky % I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during a visit to a London veterans hospital % I brake for chezlogs! % I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. -- Townsend Davis % I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. -- Biff Barf % I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. They're still living in the fifties. -- Strange de Jim % I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. % I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. -- The Firesign Theatre % I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. % I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. -- Betty MacDonald % I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" % I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. -- Jay Gould % I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry Lee % I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. % I can relate to that. % I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true. -- Harry S. Truman % I can resist anything but temptation. % I can see him a'comin' With his big boots on, With his big thumb out, He wants to get me. He wants to hurt me. He wants to bring me down. But some time later, When I feel a little straighter, I'll come across a stranger Who'll remind me of the danger, And then.... I'll run him over. Pretty smart on my part! To find my way... In the dark! -- Phil Ochs % I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. -- A. J. Liebling % I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- Lillian Hellman % I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics % I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... -- F. H. Wales (1936) % I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it. % I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II." -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" % I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl % I can't come back, I don't know how it works. -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" % I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh % I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. -- Florence Henderson % I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. -- Phil Harris % I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With Your Socks Outside-in I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" % I can't mate in captivity. -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married % I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. -- Robert Benchley % I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. -- Albert Anastasia % I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist Party Conference % I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands % I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen % I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. -- John Cage % "I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright % I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. -- Steven Wright % I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. -- Michael Prichard % I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. -- M. Gallaher % I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon % I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho Marx % I could never learn to like her -- except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain % I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. % I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand... -- Peter Oakley % I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. % I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one. -- Strange de Jim % I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! -- Bart Simpson % I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. -- Rita Gain % I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. % I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. % I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up. % I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES! % I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" % I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" % I do desire we may be better strangers. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" % I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. % I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always different. -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) % I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. -- Thomas Paine % I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks the National League for five years. This is the United States of America and one citizen has as much right to play as another. -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The Cardinals backed down and played. % I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov % I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei % I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology comes nearest to it of any. -- Henry David Thoreau % I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. -- Chuang Tzu % I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to devote it to research in mathematics. -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 % I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become tiresome. -- I Ching % I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali % I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James R. F. Quirk % I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!! % I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 % I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. -- The Best of Will Rogers % I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! -- Heard in Bethlehem % I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. -- Calvin Trillin % I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating. -- Boss Tweed % I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny % I don't do it for the money. -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal % I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. -- K. Coates % I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. -- Katherine Cebrian % I don't get no respect. % I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. % I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant % I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. -- Elvis Presley % I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" % I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." -- Bruce Baum % I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. -- Elvis Presley % I don't know what Descartes' got, But booze can do what Kant cannot. -- Mike Cross % I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. -- Abraham Lincoln % I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 % I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. % I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow % I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. I don't trust him. -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference with Dutch Schultz. I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a trigger like another guy wipes his nose. -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with "Legs" Diamond. % I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. -- Cash McCall % I don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me. -- Richard Powers % I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. -- Ronald Mabbitt % I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -- Victor Hugo % I don't need no arms around me... I don't need no drugs to calm me... I have seen the writing on the wall. Don't think I need anything at all. No! Don't think I need anything at all! All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III % I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? % I don't remember it, but I have it written down. % I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practice law. -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother Attorney-General. % I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. % I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972 % "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't." -- James Thurber % I don't understand you anymore. % I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, But there will definitely be a party tonight... % I don't want a pickle, I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. And I don't want to die, I just want to ride on my motorcycle. -- Arlo Guthrie % I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. -- Jean Anouilh % I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen % I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!" % I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. % I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. -- Woody Allen % I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? % I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % I doubt, therefore I might be. % I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. -- George Bernard Shaw % I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan % I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. % I enjoy the time that we spend together. % I exist, therefore I am paid. % I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. % I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... % I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom. % I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. -- Isaac Asimov % I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. -- Steven Wright % I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot. % I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. % I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. -- Augustus Caesar % I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. -- Gautama Buddha % I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; I gave my love a building, that had no floor; I wrote my love a program, that had no end; I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. How can there be an Apple, that has no core? How can there be a building, that has no floor? How can there be a program, that has no end? How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! A program with GOTOs, it has no end! I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! % I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 minutes of my life! % I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West % I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey Depew % I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. -- Pete Seeger % I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? -- Beauregard Bugleboy % I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. -- H. L. Mencken % I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright % I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. -- James Boren % I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. -- Steven Wright % I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. -- Steven Wright % I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. -- Butch Cassidy % I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to win -- or even how you won. -- Cash McCall % I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people... Certainty is just an emotion. -- Hal Clement % I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. -- D. Cavett % I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I had a dream last night... I dreamt about 1976. I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... so I went back to sleep again. -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" % I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after dinner and I let it go. -- Winston Churchill % I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami Beach." -- The Stunt Man % I had another dream the other day about government financial management people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya. % I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya. -- Stravinsky % I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things different is a bitch. -- Miles Davis % I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. -- Dave Barry % I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler. -- T. Cheatham % I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler Moore show I heard the word "damn"! -- Mary Lou Bax % I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. % I hate babies. They're so human. -- H. H. Munro % I hate dying. -- Dave Johnson % I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright % I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Samuel Johnson % I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. -- Lenny Bruce % I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. -- Willow % I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. -- Steven Wright % I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing. -- Steven Wright % I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. % I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..." -- Steven Wright % I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters % I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. -- Steven Wright % I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". -- Steven Wright % I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard Diran % I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" -- Steven Wright % I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. % I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. % I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time! % I have a very strange feeling about this... -- Luke Skywalker % I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. -- Artemus Ward % I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. -- Winston Churchill, 1903 % I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. -- Steven Wright % I have become me without my consent. % I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" % I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. -- George Bernard Shaw % I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. -- Blaise Pascal % I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me. -- Camillo Di Cavour % I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love. -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication of the British throne in order to marry the American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936) % I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash. -- Sigmund Freud % I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- Aristotle % I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. -- Edgar Allan Poe % I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. -- Malcolm Muggeridge % I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. -- Plato % I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record. -- Dylan Thomas, his last words % I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. -- Harry S. Truman % I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. -- Kahlil Gibran % I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox % I have lots of things in my pockets; None of them is worth anything. Sociopolitical whines aside, Gan you give me, gratis, free, The price of half a gallon Of Gallo extra bad And most of the bus fare home. % I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. -- James Gordon Bennett % I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal % I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. % I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! -- from "Cerebus" #82 % I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. -- A. M. Readyhough % I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark Twain % I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. -- Rob Pike, on X Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years. He was half right. -- Dennis M. Ritchie Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettys % I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. -- Alan Bennett % I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. -- Thoreau % I have no doubt the Devil grins, As seas of ink I spatter. Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- The other kind don't matter. -- Robert W. Service % I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % I have not yet begun to byte! % I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. -- George Wallace % I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. -- Abraham Lincoln % I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. -- Jimmy Carter % I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -- Publilius Syrus % I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" % I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" % I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. % I have that old biological urge, I have that old irresistible surge, I'm hungry. % I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde % I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. -- Steven Wright % I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 % I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard Burton % I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new science of data processing), c. 1957 % I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. -- Steven Wright % I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller % I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. -- Poul Anderson % I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. % I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. % I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment. % I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. % I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower % I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... -- Thomas Jefferson % I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" % I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good. That would be dishonest. % I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? -- Raoul Duke % I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God. -- B. Hathrume Duk % I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! % I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" % I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wright % I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. -- Casey Stengel % I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest % I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since. -- Arturo Toscanini % I knew her before she was a virgin. -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day % I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just remember what it was. % I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked. -- Raymond Chandler % I know if you been talkin' you done said just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. You wuz surprised that they could understand you words and never respond once to all the truth they heard. But don't you get square! There ain't no rule that says they got to care. They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. % I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. % I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death? -- St. Augustine % I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein % I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood % I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. -- Charles Schulz % I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) % I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady. -- Lenny Bruce % I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk? -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 % I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means. % I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. % I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. % I lately lost a preposition; It hid, I thought, beneath my chair And angrily I cried, "Perdition! Up from out of under there." Correctness is my vade mecum, And straggling phrases I abhor, And yet I wondered, "What should he come Up from out of under for?" -- Morris Bishop % I lay my head on the railroad tracks, Waitin' for the double E. The railroad don't run no more. Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. These young girls won't let me be, Lord have mercy on me! Woe is me! Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, Well, I ain't naming names. But she really worked me over good, She was just like Jesse James. She really worked me over good, She was a credit to her gender. She put me through some changes, boy, Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, She asked me if I'd beat her. She took me back to the Hyatt House, I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" % I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they didn't is just lyin'! -- Willie Nelson % I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo % I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnaped Europa. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero % I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower % I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. % I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. % I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. -- Tom McGuane % I like your game but we have to change the rules. % I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. % I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg % I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class. -- Art Buchwald % I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. -- Rita Rudner % I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy Mitford % I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. It's a rat with a thyroid problem. % I love mankind ... It's people I hate. -- Schulz % I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. -- Walt Disney % I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson % I love the smell of napalm in the morning. -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" % I love to eat them Smurfies Smurfies what I love to eat Bite they ugly heads off, Nibble on they bluish feet. % I love treason but hate a traitor. -- Gaius Julius Caesar % I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. -- Elvis Costello % I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. -- Roy Croft % I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" % I married beneath me. All women do. -- Lady Nancy Astor % I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light. -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk % I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! % I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. -- Doctor Graper % I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Ashleigh Brilliant % I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" % I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright % I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman. -- Will Rogers % I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" % I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Alexander Woollcott % I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" % I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! % I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand feet for the base. And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the crowding. -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" % I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. -- Fratianno % I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that way. -- Jay Gould % I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil % I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal Family % I never did it that way before. % I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today. -- Will Rogers % I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. % I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Groucho Marx % I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. -- Mickey Cohen % I never loved another person the way I loved myself. -- Mae West % I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. -- Lucy Van Pelt % I never met a man I didn't want to fight. -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman % I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. % I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. % I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. % I never saw a purple cow I never hope to see one But I can tell you anyhow I'd rather see than be one. -- Gellett Burgess I've never seen a purple cow I never hope to see one But from the milk we're getting now There certainly must be one -- Ogden Nash Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" I'm sorry now I wrote it But I can tell you anyhow I'll kill you if you quote it. -- Gellett Burgess, many years later % I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. % I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W. C. Fields % I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- George Bernard Shaw % I only know what I read in the papers. -- Will Rogers % I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) % I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. -- Letters From Colette % I owe, I owe, It's off to work I go... % I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat. -- Michael McShane % I owe the public nothing. -- J. P. Morgan % I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. -- Thomas Jefferson % I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" % I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 % I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright % I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! % I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger % I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. -- Cicero Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor Richard % I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. Buckley % I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright % I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. -- Steven Wright % I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to crudeness. -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" % I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. -- Neil Armstrong % I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." "What's it about?" "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" -- Ian Shoales % I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. To see the sights I'm never going to visit. % I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. -- Aneurin Bevan % I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" % I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- Marilyn Chambers % I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. % I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known something of what has been passing in the world in their time. -- Thomas Jefferson % I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright % I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. -- Stephen King % I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals. -- Brigid Brophy % I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. % I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. -- Alistair Cooke % I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years. % I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole. -- Leo Kessler % I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. -- Steven Wright % I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. -- Wilson Mizner % I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every woman should marry -- and no man. -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" % I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it. -- Mark Twain % I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head. % I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 'Round and round they sped. I was disturbed at this, I accosted the man, "It is futile," I said. "You can never--" "You lie!" He cried, and ran on. -- Stephen Crane % I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. -- Steven Wright % I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?" % I saw what you did and I know who you are. % I see a bad moon rising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin' I see bad times today. Don't go 'round tonight, It's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" % I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. -- Will Rogers % I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" % I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. -- The Best of Will Rogers % I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % I sent a message to another time, But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, I sent a message to another plane, Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. ... I met someone who looks at lot like you, She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. She's only programmed to be very nice, But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, She tells me that she likes me very much, But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. ... I realize that it must seem so strange, That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" % I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine in his veins. -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee % I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. -- graffito in Los Angeles On a clear day, U.C.L.A. -- graffito in San Francisco There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben % I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. -- George Burns % I smell a wumpus. % I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. -- Woody Allen % I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde % I steal. -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living % I stick my neck out for nobody. -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942) % I stood on the leading edge, The eastern seaboard at my feet. "Jump!" said Yoko Ono I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. Go on and give it a try, Why prolong the agony, all men must die. -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" % I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple % I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. -- C-3PO % I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" % I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, That needs a helping hand, Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" % I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [110.13]: "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not to interfere with oncoming traffic." [22.17b]: "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it on the highway." [41.16]: "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really asking for it." % I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [131.16d]: "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making a U-turn on a divided highway." [96.7b]: "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are traveling more than 60 MPH." % I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: [173.15b]: "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." [141.2a]: "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into a 5' parking space." [105.31]: "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." % I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. % I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" % I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half. Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the bottle stuck up my nose. -- Rodney Dangerfield % I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." -- Rodney Dangerfield % I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield % I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- M. C. Escher % I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. -- Woody Allen % I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. -- William Shakespeare % I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him. % I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 because I couldn't remember the proof. -- Baker, Pure Math 351a % I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. % I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" % I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python % I think that I shall never hear A poem lovelier than beer. The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, With golden base and snowy cap. The stuff that I can drink all day Until my mem'ry melts away. Poems are made by fools, I fear But only Schlitz can make a beer. % I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash % I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". % I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club % I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. -- Chick % I think the world is run by C students. -- Al McGuire % I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. -- Jordan K. Hubbard % I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I think, therefore I am... I think. % I think there's a world market for about five computers. -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943) % I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. -- T. S. Eliot % I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous conversation ... -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" % I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- The Firesign Theatre % I think we're in trouble. -- Han Solo % I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability. -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University % "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" "As a programmer, yes," she replied, "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" "You said you were blonde, but you lied!" Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, They had so much in common, you'd say. They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, And prompts that were cute or risque'. He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, She sent one from some past high school day, And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, If they hadn't met in L.A. "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest If you were not so totally weird!" If she had not said what he wanted to hear, And he had not done just the same, They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, And would not have had fun with the game. -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail" % I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" % I thought YOU silenced the guard! % I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! -- Winston Churchill % I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen % I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of the quest. -- Madeleine Gobeil % I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast and drown myself in the noise. -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" % I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari % I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. -- Bill Veeck % I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. -- Judge Harold T. Stone % I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops." In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. -- Steven Wright % I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach % I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. -- Woodrow Wilson % I use technology in order to hate it more properly. -- Nam June Paik % I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better I feel these days. -- J. Feiffer % I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. % I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. -- Elvis Costello % I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West % I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, No more, Mr. Nice Guy, No more, Mr. Clean, No more, Mr. Nice Guy, They say "He's sick, he's obscene". My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, And punched me in the nose, he said, (chorus) He said "You're sick, you're obscene". -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" % I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff. % I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long." I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. -- Steven Wright % I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no more mature than I am. % I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. % I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. -- Rita Mae Brown % I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. -- Emo Phillips % I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright % I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. -- Brendan Behan % I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. % I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. % I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE HAW'!!" -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" % I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. -- Freud % I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? % I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud the earth. Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" % I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright % I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. -- Will Rogers % I was born in a barrel of butcher knives Trouble I love and peace I despise Wild horses kicked me in my side Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. -- Bo Diddley % I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway. -- Steven Wright % I was eatin' some chop suey, With a lady in St. Louie, When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. And that knocker, he says, "Honey, Roll this rocker out some money, Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." -- Mr. Miggle % I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain % I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" % I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. -- Phyllis Diller % I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function effectively. -- Albert Speer % I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach. -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" % I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven Wright % I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" % I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. -- Emile Henry Gauvreay % I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright % I was the best I ever had. -- Woody Allen % I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. -- Billy Braver % I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. % I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. -- Chico Marx % I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it in the room alone. % I went home with a waitress, The way I always do. How I was I to know? She was with the Russians too. I was gambling in Havana, I took a little risk. Send lawyers, guns, and money, Dad, get me out of this. -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" % I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific. -- Steven Wright % I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth. -- Charlie Chaplin % I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" % I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" He said "Nothin'." Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; As if you just squashed a cop. -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" % I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song. -- Fred Reuss % I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then. -- Steven Wright % I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob. -- Danny Hillis % I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber. -- Tiburcio Vasquez % I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. -- Steven Wright % I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright % I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! % I will always love the false image I had of you. % I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can help it. -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne % I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! -- Charles Dickens % I will make you shorter by the head. -- Elizabeth I % I will never lie to you. % I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. % I will not drink! But if I do... I will not get drunk! But if I do... I will not in public! But if I do... I will not fall down! But if I do... I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. % I will not forget you. % I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" % I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new one every day. -- Heine % I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -- Jack Handey % I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- Gallagher % I wish you humans would leave me alone. % I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. % I woke up a feelin' mean went down to play the slot machine the wheels turned round, and the letters read "Better head back to Tennessee Jed" -- Grateful Dead % I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" -- Steven Wright % "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." -- Bastian B. Bux % I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" % I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright % I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even after we've been home a long while. -- Casey Stengel % I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me raise my voice. -- Winkle % I would have made a good pope. -- Richard M. Nixon % I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. -- Oliver North % I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we forget or do not know. -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to image activation and termination.] % I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved. -- Warren G. Harding % I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection with income tax policies. -- William F. Buckley % I would like to know What I was fencing in And what I was fencing out. -- Robert Frost % I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one. -- Marcus Porcius Cato % I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped. -- Richard M. Nixon I love America. You always hurt the one you love. -- David Frye impersonating Nixon % I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead. -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 % I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. % I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! % I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. % I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson % I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear them scream. -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", escaped prison 1937, not heard from since % I am not very happy acting pleased whenever prominent scientists overmagnify intellectual enlightenment % IBM: [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. % IBM: I've Been Moved Idiots Become Managers Idiots Buy More Impossible to Buy Machine Incredibly Big Machine Industry's Biggest Mistake International Brotherhood of Mercenaries It Boggles the Mind It's Better Manually Itty-Bitty Machines % IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... -- with regrets to Douglas Adams % IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. % IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. % IBM Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think. % IBM's original motto: Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. % I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. -- John Denver [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] % I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. % I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marx % I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. -- Princess Leia Organa % I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. % I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. -- Joseph Heller % I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. % I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. % I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. % I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in "Y". % I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. % I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. % I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. % I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. % I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. % I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. % I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. % I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about. % I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" % I'd never cry if I did find A blue whale in my soup... Nor would I mind a porcupine Inside a chicken coop. Yes life is fine when things combine, Like ham in beef chow mein... But lord, this time I think I mind, They've put acid in my rain. -- Milo Bloom % I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Groucho Marx % I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. -- Brenda Starr % I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. % I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. % I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. -- Fred Allen [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] % I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. -- W. C. Fields % I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. % I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Than cry with the saints, The sinners are much more fun! -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" % I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. % Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement. % Identify your visitor. % Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" % Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % IDLENESS: Leisure gone to seed. % Idleness is the holiday of fools. % If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", well that would be enough immortality for me. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro % If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming % If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. -- Paul White % If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind. -- Edgar R. Fiedler % If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? % If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. % If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein % If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake % If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham % If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all? -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" % If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. -- Joseph C. Goulden % IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. % If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. -- Thomas Wolfe % If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. % If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life. -- Albert Schweitzer % If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life. -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 % If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, ... it expects what never was and never will be. -- Thomas Jefferson % If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too. -- W. Somerset Maugham % If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" % If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. % If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. -- Donald A. Metz % If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? -- Saint Augustine % If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." % If a system is administered wisely, its users will be content. They enjoy hacking their code and don't waste time implementing labor-saving shell scripts. Since they dearly love their accounts, they aren't interested in other machines. There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, but these don't access any hosts. There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy reading their mail, take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, spend weekends working at their terminals, delight in the doings at the site. And even though the next system is so close that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. % If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? -- Sparky Anderson % If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton % If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. -- W. C. Fields % If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? % If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli % If all be true that I do think, There be five reasons why one should drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. % If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith % If all else fails, lower your standards. % If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? % If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. % If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker % If all the seas were ink, And all the reeds were pens, And all the skies were parchment, And all the men could write, These would not suffice To write down all the red tape Of this Government. % If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty % If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol % If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". % If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" % If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of. -- George Wallace % If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard. -- Edward Holyoke % If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". % If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. % If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. % If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. % If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. % If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. % If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. % If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W. E. Hickson % If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W. C. Fields [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] % If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. % If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson % If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. % If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries. -- Leslie Stephen % If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? % If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 % If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes. -- J. Edgar Hoover % If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. % If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. -- William Blake % If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office. -- Wayne Shannon % If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. % If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair Cooke % If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? % If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any. -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his conviction for sodomy. % If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? % If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud. -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" % If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman. -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" % If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" % If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There" (1871) % If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. % If everything on the road of life seems to be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. % If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. % If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. -- Bertrand Russell % If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. % If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. -- Bill Boquist % If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" % If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can. % If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. % If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. % If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. % If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. % If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. % If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. % If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. % If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. % If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. % If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. -- George Winters % If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. -- Dave Barry % If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten apostles. % If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. % If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. % If God is dead, who will save the Queen? % If God is One, what is bad? -- Charles Manson % If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? % If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. -- Yiddish saying % If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman % If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. -- Jerry Dreshfield % If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? % If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. -- Chinese proverb % If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have taught much more! % If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" % If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. % If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn % If I could read your mind, love, What a tale your thoughts could tell, Just like a paperback novel, The kind the drugstore sells, When you reach the part where the heartaches come, The hero would be me, Heroes often fail, You won't read that book again, because the ending is just too hard to take. I walk away, like a movie star, Who gets burned in a three way script, Enter number two, A movie queen to play the scene Of bringing all the good things out in me, But for now, love, let's be real I never thought I could act this way, And I've got to say that I just don't get it, I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone And I just can't get it back... -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" % If I could stick my pen in my heart, I would spill it all over the stage. Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, Would you think the boy was strange? Ain't he strange? ... If I could stick a knife in my heart, Suicide right on the stage, Would it be enough for your teenage lust, Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" % If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean? -- Danno Coppock % If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker % If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. % If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. % If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. % IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) % If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. -- Eugene P. Gallagher % If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner % If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard. -- Frank Sinatra AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine % If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. % If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert Einstein % If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. -- Tallulah Bankhead % If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. % If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. -- Gauss Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes. -- Richard Hamming It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and software engineers dig each other's graves. -- Unknown % If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. -- Bob Hope % If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant % If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? -- Alan Parsons Project % If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something. -- S. R. McElroy % If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? % If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney % If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. % If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment. -- Douglas Jerrold % If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim. -- Bob Stanfield % If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. -- G. Hirst % If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? % If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? -- Jerry Muscha % If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection. % If in doubt, mumble. % If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. % If it ain't broke, don't fix it. % If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls % If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. % If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. % If it heals good, say it. % If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. -- Samuel Clemens % If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. % If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work it's physics. % If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. -- Ronald Reagan % If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. % If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. % If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. % If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" % If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. -- James Dickey % If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. % If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. % If it's worth doing, do it for money. % If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. % If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. % If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle % If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie % If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. -- Karl Marx's Mother % If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. % If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. % If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? % If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? % If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins % If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin % If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard % If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. -- Phil Lapsley % If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. % If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. -- Mary Wilson Little % If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. % If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. -- Frances Rodman % If men are not afraid to die, it is of no avail to threaten them with death. If men live in constant fear of dying, And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, Who will dare to break the law? There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand. -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" % If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. % If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) % If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. -- Oscar Wilde % If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would get an unfair advantage. -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 % If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. -- Albert Einstein % If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" % If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? -- Woody Allen % If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. % If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. % If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of whether you love her. % If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. % If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- George Bernard Shaw % If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. % If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. -- Albert Einstein % If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. -- Doug Larson % If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. -- Edward E. Hippensteel [What brand of ink? Ed.] % If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they will take sandwiches. -- Lord Boyd-orr Eats first, morals after. -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" % If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. -- Hermann Goering % If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! % If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? % If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by an optional preceding '+'). -- POSIX 2001 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. -- RFC 2822 % If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" % If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? % If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. % If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? % If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. -- Tom Wicker % If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, Eating components of soured milk. On at least one occasion, along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, Or at least in her vicinity, And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. -- Ann Melugin Williams % If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public -- David Letterman % If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? -- James Nicoll % If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush % If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? -- Bette Midler % If she had not been cupric in her ions, Her shape ovoidal, Their romance might have flourished. But he built tetrahedral in his shape, His ions ferric, Love could not help but die, Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. % If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. -- Robert Frost % If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. % If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I % If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. % If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. % If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the way they do? % If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 % If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn % If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny. -- Rene de Visme Williamson % If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld % If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer % If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five stee